Sunday, October 6, 2013

Who's On The Lord's Side Of This Argument Who?

"Hey guy I was arguing with earlier this week on Facebook, did you hear that talk in conference where the general authority basically backed up the point I was making? Booya! It looks like God's representatives agree with me! How you like them apples?" 

 - Guys on both sides of the same Facebook argument

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

James Taylor and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir



I heard they are reworking the lyrics to some of his classic songs for this collaboration. I can't wait to hear "Fire and Moisture".

Monday, July 9, 2012

Horror Program

I threatened the kids on Sunday that anyone who misbehaved in church would have the sacrament meeting program hung on the wall next to their bed that night while they tried to sleep.




They've never been more reverent.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Woe Unto The Liar

You're so glad when daddy comes home, glad as you can be? Clap your hands and shout for joy and climb up on my knee?

Really, kids???

I haven't heard my kids tell that big of a lie since last month when they claimed that when their mother calls them, quickly they obey.

It's shameful.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Mountain Of The Lord

At church on Sunday the teacher asked the class why we thought Isaiah used the term "mountain of the Lord" to describe the temple. A few people in class had some half-baked ideas, but not one of them mentioned the possibility that Isaiah had already seen the future and was therefore aware of the 1993 film about the Salt Lake Temple called Mountain Of The Lord, and was obviously just making a pop culture reference to that movie.

I was going to bring it up, but then I'd have to explain my whole theory to the class (yet again) about how ontological paradoxes like that are not necessarily impossible knowing what we know.

Besides my wife made me promise I wouldn't answer any questions in church anymore.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

You're Not Alone

Do you ever think about how wonderful it would be if we lived every day of the year like it was Christmas, rather than just once every December?

And did you especially feel that way about Sundays when you found out that church was only going to be one hour this week?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now you are on your own)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Likening The Scriptures Unto J. Lo

I just want to clear up some confusion I've been seeing around a lot lately. In the pictures below, the top image is Jenny From The Block - not to be confused with the bottom image of King Noah From The Block...

Though I can definitely see how you would get them confused.

Especially since Marc Anthony is arguably our generation's Abinidi.

(Feel free to print out the above reference material to share with your primary class and/or Home Teaching families)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Mormon Laffy Taffy

Which is basically the same thing as regular Laffy Taffy, but the Halloween-themed jokes that are not only funny, they also help you feel the spirit. Jokes like...

What is a ghosts' favorite book of scripture?
- The
Boo! k of Mormon.

What tribe did the lycanthrope's patriarchal blessing say he was from?
-
Wolf-Manassa.

What is the living corpse's favorite teaching from the New Testament?
- The
Zom-beattitudes.

Where did the goblin get his endowments taken out?
- The
Orc Mountain Temple.

What is the vampire's least favorite church meeting?
-
Stake Conference.

What is Brother Matsby's least favorite church meeting?
-
Also Stake Conference.

Seriously, what is up with Stake Conference?
-
I don't know.

They're like delicious pass along cards!

Friday, September 30, 2011

A Pre-General Conference Message

A fine member of the Church was talking with a neighbor who was not of our faith. When the topic of discussion turned to My Religious Blog, the neighbor asked, “You say that there's some guy in your church with a website who makes stupid general conference lolcats?”

“Absolutely,” the member replied with confidence.

The neighbor thought about that for a moment. He seemed genuinely interested and then asked, “What did the lolcat say on that blog for the last general conference?”

At this point the good member of the Church explained that the cat had warned about the evils of pernogrify and then Slash drove his car off a cliff with his girlfriend inside.

His friend found this troubling and asked, “You mean to tell me that the legendary guitar player for the band Guns and Roses drove himself and his girlfriend off a cliff?”

The brother replied "no my friend, Slash jumped out justen times."

Then later the member decided to join the church and he had the Mormon dude baptize him. Then when they died they both went to the Celestial Kingdom. But there was another neighbor who was also Mormon who didn't read My Religious blog and that guy ended up embezzling a lot of money from his company and he was kind of a jerk to his family then when he died, let's just say he didn't get to be neighbors with those other guys anymore.

I think we all could learn a lot from this story.

Amen.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Old School Of The Prophets

My patriarchal blessing is so old school that is says I am from the Tribe Called Quest.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Woe Unto The Liar

Remember, if you click the box saying you read and agree to the terms and conditions on the new version of iTunes but you didn't really read it, then you can in no way claim to be honest in your dealings with your fellow men. So you will then have to wait a couple weeks until the next update to get your temple recommend.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Best Two Years

A lot of people refer to their missions as the best two years of their life, but I like to go one step further and refer to every other time as the worst 30 years of my life.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Possible Lyric Johnny Cash Might Sing During The Millennium

"I shot a man in Reno just to watch him change in the twinkling of an eye."

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Puns Of Perdition

I am currently developing a new procedural drama for KBYU about a team of seminary teachers in Florida that solve murders after class. It’s called CES: Miami.

Just to give you a little sneak peak of what’s in store… at the beginning of each episode, one of the seminary teachers will always show up at the crime scene and while removing his sun glasses, he’ll deliver a smooth, gospel-inspired, one-liner. Here are some examples of what I mean...

“Looks like the truth must have (removes sunglasses) cutteth him to his center!”
“I guess she hoped to (removes sunglasses) endure all things!”
“Looks like his soul (removes sunglasses) hungered!”
“I guess this companionship (removes sunglasses) went on splits!”
“Looks like she put her shoulder (removes sunglasses) to the wheel!”

Also as a back up, there’s also another procedural show I’m working on called Letter Of The Law And Order In The Kingdom.

But that one obviously needs some more work.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rome Temple

They just released a picture of the new Rome Temple and I for one am getting very excited!

In fact I might even be more excited for that temple than I am for the Deadwood South Dakota Temple or the Hamsterdam Maryland Temple.

Monday, February 28, 2011

The Bea (Arthur) Attitudes

Blessed are the outspoken, middle-aged, liberal New Yorkers, for they shall ultimately be appointed to congress and move to Washington D.C.

Blessed are the sarcastic divorcees who share a house in Miami with their mother and two other older ladies, for they shall often get to share cheesecake together while swapping stories around the kitchen table.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Translation Error

For years I was positive that when I was younger I had witnessed a really righteous old man get translated right before my eyes.

But more recently when I think back on that experience, I wonder if maybe it actually had something to do with the tornado we were running from at the time.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Articles Of Faith

In case you're interested, there's an article about me and this blog on the Salt Lake Tribune website today. And it will also be in the Faith section of the actual printed paper tomorrow. Feel free to clip it and base your next sacrament talk on it.

UPDATE:

Here are two more articles you can use in your talk...

March 2011 Sunstone
Salt Lake City Weekly: Best of Utah Award

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Am A FULL Tithe Payer

This year instead of signing up for tithing settlement, I am just giving my bishop a link to this post.

Friday, October 29, 2010

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out The New Church Pamphlet

"We solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man who has a pet lion and a woman who can light candles with her fingertips is altogether ooky."

Friday, October 22, 2010

Friday Is A Special Day

It's the day we procrastinate getting ready for Sunday.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Stupor Of Thought

The scriptures seem to place a lot of importance on mercy and being merciful. Which I guess is why I am not surprised that we don't have more Cobra Kais joining the church.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Five Righteous Party Games

In General Conference today, parents were advised to be careful when it comes to allowing our children to have sleepovers. That is because many of the games that are played at sleepovers do not meet standards we expect from our young people - but these unworthy games are not the only options for sleepover fun. The following are a few examples of the kind of party games we do not want our youth to participate in and alternative party games that do meet our values…

BAD PARTY GAME: Spin The Bottle
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Spin The Bible

BAD PARTY GAME: Truth Or Dare
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Truth Restored Or Dare

BAD PARTY GAME: Seven Minutes In Heaven
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Forty Years In The Wilderness

BAD PARTY GAME: Bloody Mary
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Bloody Mary Ellen W. Smoot

BAD PARTY GAME: Putting a kid’s hand in water to make him pee the bed.
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Immersing a kid’s entire body in water to save his soul.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Now Available In The Alley Behind The Deseret Book...

"I'm a thug, a bully, a street fighter...and I'm a Mormon!"

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Johnny's Lingo

Whenever I attend church services in Hawaii and get up to bare my testimony, I always say hello in English and then insist that the congregation keeps quiet and doesn't respond before I continue.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Stupor Of Thought

Sometimes I think all of those actions actually detract from the true spirit of Head Shoulder Knees and Toes.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Puns Of Perdition

I am writing a musical about a boxer who joins the church. Right now the working title is Master The Tempest is Raging Bull.

Other possible titles include Praise to the Cinderella Man, Rocky of Ages, and The Great White Hope of Israel.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Spirit World Cup

Let God and Heaven be your GOOOAAAAL!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Family

It's about... TIME

And if your kids are anything like mine, I would say thirty mintes a day is about... PLENTY.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Unhappy Mother's Day!

At church today they were supposed to have a special Mother's Day program, but I guess the primary president had misunderstood because instead they had a special Mother's Day pogrom.

It was horrible.

Seriously, one of the worst days in church ever!

(not counting Stake Conference of course)

Saturday, April 24, 2010

My Favorite Angels

I know we’re not supposed to pick favorites among the heavenly hosts, but here are my top ten anyway…

1. Moroni
2. Michael
3. Gabriel
4. The one who wrestled Jacob
5. The one from Rent
6. The one from Buffy
7. The one from Led Zeppelin t-shirts
8. Michael Landon
9. Joel Pineiro
10. Warren Worthington III

Saturday, April 3, 2010

General Conference Statistical Report

My favorite part of the spring general conference is hearing the church statistical report during the Saturday afternoon session. And it was so exciting to hear them this year from the new general authority...

2,865 stakes! Ah ah ah
344 missions! Ah ah ah
28,106 baptisms! Ah ah ah
130 temples! Ah ah ah

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Hallelujah!

My top five favorite hymns that say "hallelujah" or "alleluia"...

1.
For All The Saints
2. Battle Hymn of The Republic
3. Christ the Lord is Ris'n Today
4. All Creatures of Our God and King
5. It’s Raining Men

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I Just Got My Refund!

I just got my tithing refund check today. It was pretty big this year because at tithing settlement I was able to claim all of the readers of this blog as spiritual dependents. Also it was a good thing I had saved all my receipts from last year, because I was able to write off all the times I gave money to homeless people.

Remember you only have until April 6th to file, so if you haven't yet, you'd better hurry and do so.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Clarification

The natural man is an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19)

The Nature Boy is an enemy to Shawn Michaels. (WrestleMania XXIV)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Chapel Doors Seem To Say To Me "Shhhhh! Be Still"

Someone really should put some WD40 on them or something, because it's kind of distracting.

Also I think it's time to refill my Risperidone prescription.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

You're Not Alone

When you're in church and you hear this hymn:
Does it ever make you think of these people?
And then when you finally do start going back to church six months later, do you find that you still have a hard time forgiving the ward chorister?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now, you're on your own)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Stupor Of Thought

I just finished writing a 50 page doctrinal essay on Ecclesiastes 5:3.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bathe Precedes The Miracle

This morning my bath soap appeared to me in the form of Dove.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Object Lessons

As you know, we don’t generally celebrate Halloween in my house. But this year I had an idea about something we could do as a family that would allow my kids to experience the fun of dressing up but would also allow us an opportunity to share our beliefs with others.

So this year, we are all going to dress up in Liahona costumes…
Then we are going to stand outside on the street and when people come around who are wearing modest and family-oriented costumes, we will point them in the direction of the houses they should go to in order to get the nice big candy bars.

But if a person’s costume is too scary or too slutty, and they ask which direction to go in, we will just shrug our shoulders and not say anything until they go home and change.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Puns Of Perdition

I have an idea for a candy bar that would not only be chewy and delicious, but it would also help you to remember to keep the commandments. It’s called Charleston Chews The Right.

But that name is also very similar to the working title of a 1920s-inspired dance I am developing that would also help you remember to keep the commandments.

Monday, October 19, 2009

A Stupor Of Thought

I have to give a talk next week in Sacrament Meeting about self reliance. But I'm not too stressed out about it because my wife is actually writing it for me.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Puns Of Perdition

If I was going to make a Mormon-themed breakfast cereal, it would be called Thomas B. Marshmallow Mateys.

And it would be especially good with full cream milk.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Baptists At Our BBQ

I thought it was a good idea to invite some Baptists to our barbeque last weekend. But that was before they showed up with their signs and started yelling at us for putting cheese on our burgers and about how the mustard we were using is different than the mustard they use.

Seriously, I’m never inviting those guys again.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Stupor Of Thought

I’ve noticed that there’s not a lot of rappers who are writing raps about the tone and feeling of sacrament meetings. 

I think it’s probably because they are having a hard time finding words that rhyme with “reverence” and "obeisance" and "worshipful".

I know that's where I keep getting stuck. 

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Mormon Memorabilia

The most valuable card in my collection.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

When Speaking In Sacrament

It's important when speaking from the pulpit in church, to remember that not every person in attendance may have read or be familiar with all of the stories found in the scriptures. So if you are planning to read or explain a story from any of the standard works, it is probably best to warn the congregation beforehand that your talk/lesson/testimony will include spoilers. 

I have found that something along the lines of "brothers and sisters... SPOILER ALERT!..." has usually worked well for me in the past.

Unless of course you'd prefer to be like that sister who spoke last Sunday who totally spoiled the end of the Noah story for me. 

Because seriously. Thanks a lot, lady!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

You're Not Alone

When you're watching conference and they say that the next speaker is going to be Dallin H. Oaks, do you ever misunderstand and think they said Hall & H. Oates? And then do you have a hard time paying attention during the hymn because you are picturing the next talk looking something like this...
And then when the hymn ends and the speaker does get up, are you ever just a little disappointed?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now, you're on your own)

Clarification

I am white.

But I'm not delightsome.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Mormon Wrestling

My favorite Mormon wrestler is the Ultimate Saturday's Warrior.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Plain And Precious Truths

The scriptures teach that over time, many of the plain and precious truths were lost from the Bible (see 1Nephi:13). But luckily, modern day revelation has restored many of those lost scriptures - like Jeremiah’s prophecy about the Pogo Ball…

14. I saw a flat pedestal with two large round stones affixed to either side.

15. Upon this pedestal I did see a fifth grader who was using it to jump up and down.

16. And it came to pass that that kid did not have any friends. Yea verily, he was known in the land as kind of a dingleberry.


(that’s a scripture I found particularly easy to liken unto myself when I was a youth)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

A New TV Series

If you have always wanted programming that would seamlessly combine the faith and sacrifice of the early saints as they crossed the plains with the fast paced action of martial arts and Western justice, then you’re gonna love the new TV show I am developing for KBYU called Pioneer Children Sang As They Walker Texas Ranger.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Classic Mormon Vaudeville Routine


Elder Abbott:
Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Costello: That's what I’m asking you.
Elder Abbott: Well I just told you.
Elder Costello: You just told me what?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Costello: Well then, Who is On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Abbott: Naturally.
Elder Costello: Just tell me Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Abbott: That’s right.
Elder Costello: What’s right?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who!
Elder Costello: THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!

(General Conference was a lot funnier back in those days)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

If I Could Hie To Kolob, I Would Choose Not To

The gospel teaches that we are supposed to live in the world but not of the world. Which is why I have chosen not to pursue a career as an astronaut

Because even though astronauts don't have to move to outer space permanently, I would still want to at least avoid the appearance of evil. 

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Hosanna Shouting / Righteous Anger

No Priesthood holder should ever raise his voice and shout at his wife or children. Unless of course, it's a Hosanna Shout.

I Hosanna Shout at my family all the time.

It's a good way to let them know you mean business - and yet still set an example.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Book Of Abraham Facsimiles

The Book of Abraham facsimiles found in the Pearl of Great Price are probably the one thing most responsible for my testimony today. Because did you know that those facsimiles were released in 1835?

That is over one hundred years before the fax machine was even invented!

That’s right Antis, read it and weep!!!!

Monday, June 22, 2009

Teaching: No Greater Call

I know, I know... 

But there is way too much politics in the CTR 6 program!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

You're Not Alone

Have you ever gone to someone’s house and they have a sign at the door that says “Take off your shoes”, but you thought it said “dust off your shoes”? So then you obliged them and inadvertently did so as a testimony against them?

And then when you realized your mistake, did you bring them a plate of cookies the next day – even though you know that’s not going to mean much when the judgement is upon them?

If so, you’re not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Thank Thee For The Moisture

Can you believe how much moisture we've been receiving lately here in Utah? It was pouring down so much moisture this morning that it reminded me of what it must have been like back in Noah's time, when it was moist for 40 days and 40 nights. 

And not only that, but we even had the humidifier on in the house last night. Not to mention the fact that I put on some lotion after taking a shower today. 

So so - so much moisture to be thankful for. 

Moisture!

Monday, June 1, 2009

LDSploitation

After the success of the Mormon video game I told you about last week, it looks like all the other gaming companies are jumping on the bandwagon and putting out their own new games geared towards a Mormon audience...

Friday, May 29, 2009

A Stupor Of Thought

I know that looking at pictures of immodest women on the internet is against the Law Of Chastity, but in the case that one is looking at pictures of Tila Tequila, is that also against the Word Of Wisdom?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Mormon Video Game

The first video game to be based on church history...
And if you know the code, you can even play the game as Moses...

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Praydar

I can tell a man who prays just by looking at him.

(especially if he is praying when I look at him)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

New Autobiography

Look, I don't mind hearing his music now and then on the radio, but I cannot read a Seal book!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Pranks At Church

One time I was on an airplane and the old man sitting next to me started telling me about the church, but because I was raised in the church and already knew what he was talking about, I decided to mess with him a little.

So I told him my name was Mick Jagger and that I wrote sinister rock and roll music with the sole intent of encouraging young people to fornicate.

Oh man, you should have seen that old guy's face!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Sale This Week

You normally pay as much as ten or twelve dollars for a box this size, but right now they're on sale for only a birthright.

And that's a great deal!

(and thus Matsby despised his birthright)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Retraction

So the Bishopric came by the house last night to visit me. And this is kind of embarrassing, but... um... I guess I misunderstood that whole thing about having my calling and election made sure

Anyway, I guess I am also going to have to apologize to all the ward members I called "suckers" Sunday as I was jumping up and down running out of Sacrament Meeting on my way to IHOP

And I guess I owe that girl at IHOP a tip after all. 

Monday, April 27, 2009

A Church Story

So yesterday something kind of interesting happened in Sacrament Meeting…

I had my calling and election made sure.

Oh and then guess what happened during Elders Quorum?

Just kidding! Why would I go to Elders Quorum? I just had my CALLING. AND. ELECTION. MADE. SURE!!!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Blessing Arithmetic

Last night I decided to count my blessings and I ended up with 52.

But I forgot to name them one by one as I was doing it, so I may have counted some of them more than once.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Puns Of Perdition

Whenever I make breaded boneless chicken strips, I try to use them as an opportunity to share the gospel, so I call them Chicken Tender Mercies and I tell people that the secret ingredient is faith

Even though it's really cornmeal

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Sunday, April 12, 2009

New Name

I just wanted to give you all a heads-up, so you’re not completely confused when it happens: I have decided to change my on-line name from Gatsby to Matsby.

Now I understand it’s going to be strange since you are used to calling me Gatsby – just like I imagine it was strange at first for the people who followed Abram's papyrus blog when he changed his user name to Abraham.

But you’ll get use to it and I believe that we may even end up better off in the end because of it.

Your friend in the Schroedernacle,

Brother Matsby (former DL)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

The Late Morning Of The First Resurrection

I hope to be resurrected in the Morning of the First Resurrection.

But I hope it's later in the morning.

Because I'm really more of a night person.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Revelation Will Be Televised

It’s General Conference time again and they’re calling another new apostle. And I’ve been getting kind of nervous because I get the feeling it might be me.

In case it is, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of apostle name I should use…

Do you think I should go by first initial – middle name – last name (like N. Eldon Tanner)?

Or first name – middle initial – last name (like Bruce R McConkie)?

Or try something totally new and do first initial - middle initial – lastname?

Or is that against church policy?

Is that why H.R. Puffinstuff was never called to be a G.A.???

Ugh… I’m so nervous I can’t even concentrate!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Matching Set

Because there's nothing more annoying than when your wife uses your hymn book.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Seeking Riches

The scriptures teach that you are not supposed to seek after riches – but instead, you should seek after the kingdom of heaven and then the riches will follow. Which is why recently I have been going to all my meetings and trying to be as humble and charitable as I can.

In fact, my faith is so strong in this holy promise that I have already started planning all the ATVs and jet skies I am going to buy when the cash finally does start to flow.

Not to mention all of the enemies whom I will destroy with that money and influence.

Monday, March 16, 2009

My Kid Helped Me Write Today's Post

Actual notes taken by my five year old in church yesterday...

Which teaches a very important lesson:

No matter what your age (five, twenty five, even forty five), we are all thinking about the same thing when there are guest speakers from the stake.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Jack Of All Hymns

Most people know all the words to a few select hymns. But I know the first line of many different hymns.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Puns of Perdition

I think a good advertising mascot for a Mormon bakery would be a cartoon character named Bruce R. McCookie.

And even though he said some things about the brownies that he claimed were doctrine, that we found out later were just his own speculation, well…

That doesn’t make him any less delicious!

Friday, February 27, 2009

A New Service I Am Offering

You know that talk you are dreading having to give in sacrament meeting? You know that part of your calling you just can’t stand doing? You know how you feel like a jerk when month after month you report that you didn’t do your Home Teaching? When it comes to your church responsibilities, do you ever think to yourself “I wish I could just pay someone to _________”?

Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.

And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.

Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:

Saturday, February 21, 2009

A Parable

Do you like parables? I like parables. I don’t always remember all of the details of the story - which is fine because often when we hear parables in talks they are different each time anyway. As long as we remember the lessons being taught, which is really the point of the parable after all, isn’t it? So anyway today I thought I would share with you one of my favorite parables in case you want to print it out and share it in sacrament meeting:

One time there was a guy in the mountains. Or maybe it was a young man. Like an Indian kid or maybe it was a lady. Anyway, they were outside and in a rural setting. Maybe in a mountain or by a river. Or was it at a park in the city?

The point is she was outside and heard a little voice say “hello” and he looked around and saw lizard – or it could have been a snake. Or a rat. But either way, it had developed human speech and learned a rudimentary form of English. And it said “pick me up” and the Indian boy was like “no, you are a rattle snake. You will bite me if I pick you up” Or maybe it was a scorpion and the kid said, “you will sting me…” Or maybe it was an eradiated rock.

But the rat was like “no, I won’t. I am a nice scorpion, now give me a kiss and I will grant you three wishes” and the girl didn’t want to, but the lizard convinced her to eventually, so the man put it in his pocket and carried it down the rocky cliff and when he got to the bottom of the cave, she took the sharp toothed marsupial out of her knapsack and it immediately sunk its teeth into her fleshy calf muscles.

So the old lady looks down at the badger and says “you said you weren’t going to shoot me.” And the magic rock says “look Poindexter, you knew what I was when you picked me up” And the boy was like “well what about my three wishes?” and the rat said “nah. I changed my mind about that” and then it slithered off and left Brer Bear to bleed to death.

The moral of this story is that sometimes sin can feel good - in fact depending on what sin we are talking about, sometimes it can feel REALLY good. But in the end, you will go to hell if you are nice to the little jungle creatures.

Also I think the boy’s last words were “it mattered to that one” because the poison had reached his brain and he had become delusional.

Friday, February 20, 2009

A Movie Pitch

God's Army 3: The Curious Case of Elder Button

About a missionary who starts his mission as a well-seasoned and experienced A.P., but leaves the mission as a greenie.

Give me a call, Dutcher!

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Curious Case Of Infant Baptism

I know that unlike some religions, the Mormon church does not believe in infant baptism.

But I am confused about when Benjamin Button should be baptized. Since he was born old, would it be okay to baptize him when he was a baby? Or do you need to wait until he is 8 years old? Because that could be almost 80 years from now!

I asked my bishop, but he acted all weird, like I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s such an isolated case. But it’s not that isolated! Because remember when Mork and Mindy had a baby? He was also born old and got young (which from what I understand is the case with all Orkins).

So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to write church headquarters for an answer.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Pranks At Church

Sometimes pranks at church can be funny.

Like one time in my old ward, I started messing around with my Ward Clerk and one week I paid my month’s tithing in pennies.

So then each week, when he was going around counting people during sacrament meeting, when he got to me, he would start counting audibly and was like "eighty, eighty one, eighty two, (points at me) eighty two and A HALF..."

So then one week I changed the program so instead of saying he was the ward clerk, it said he was the ward jerk.

So then one week he transferred my records to some ward in Idaho.

So the next week I put a whoopee cushion on his chair in Elder’s Quorum.

But then the next week we found out he had been stealing the ward’s tithing money and he was probably going to get excommunicated.

I didn’t quite get that last one, but it just goes to show that sometimes pranks at church can go too far.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Puns Of Perdition

I am writing a movie about a werewolf who joins the church after reading the Book of Mormon.

It's called Lycan The Scriptures.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Putting The "RAD" In Traditional Values

Have you heard about the church’s new youth initiative called A Brand New Year? It is basically a rebranding of the existing youth program with a different (“fresh”) approach at connecting with the youth.

Now I appreciate the leadership’s willingness to try something new and reach out to our young men and women in a new way, but I do think their rebranding of Moroni’s image just feels like they are trying a little too hard…

On the other hand, he does look pretty awesome.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Deep Doctrine

The scriptures teach that there are many different worlds out there that are populated by our spirit brothers and sisters. So when I hear people argue about if there is or isn’t life in outer space, I have to laugh. Because we know that there is.

But that doesn't mean we believe that aliens are little green men, like you see on TV, who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

No, we know that they are human beings who look just like you and me (also created in His image) who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Stories From My Mission (part five)

One time my companion and I met this kid in the park who was always drawing pictures of people in his sketchbook. He explained to us that he didn’t draw people the way they are, but the tried to draw them the way they “could be”.

Which I think was just an excuse for being a bad artist.

Either that or he actually thinks I “could be” a guy with a lopsided face and an eye on my cheek.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Epistle Of Simon To James

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the epistle that Simon wrote to James:

"Thou art guilty of vanity. Yea insomuch that ye believeth in thine heart that this scripture pertaineth unto you."

- Simon 19:72

Ideal Meeting Time

Some people think the best meeting block is from 9:00 – 12:00 because they like to take a nap after church.

Other people think the best meeting block is from 11:00 – 2:00 because they like to sleep in on Sunday morning.

But I think the ideal meeting time would be 11:30 – 12:00 because seriously

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Church Policy

I agree with the church's policy about not allowing props during sacrament meeting talks. But the thing is, if a ventriloquist dummy is going to be considered a "prop", then I think they need to make that clear when they extend the call in the first place.

Because my talk last Sunday didn't make any sense without the help of Brother Woodrow P. Woodruff.

For Further Reading...

If you would like to learn more about the Atonement, the Topical Guide is a good place to start.

And if you would like to learn more about black and pink emo pants, the Hot Topical Guide is a also helpful.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Stupor Of Thought

Remember when those guys built the Tower of Babel and they all had their languages changed so they all had to speak a different language?

If that ever happens again, I hope I am the lucky one who gets to keep English as my language. Because I didn’t do very well in my Junior High Spanish class.

Plus all my DVDs and comicbooks are in English.

Biblical Pranks

I was thinking about what it would have been like to have lived back in the days of the Tower of Babel, when the Lord got mad and made everyone speak different languages.

And I was thinking how if I was friends with the brother of Jared and I was one of the people who did not have my language confounded, every morning when I got up and he said good morning to me, I would pretend I was speaking a different language.

Like one morning I would say something like “Buenos dias, hombre. ¿Como esta?” and the next morning I would say “Gutten tag, mien freund”.

And each time, he would be scared and think I had had my language confounded, but then I’d be all “nah man, I’m just goofing with ya.”

And that’s just an example of how my good humor would help to make the journey to the city of Moriancumer just a little more enjoyable for everybody who had to share a barge with me.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I Can’t Wait To Live The Law Of Consecration

Because then if I’m thirsty and I go to get a Slurpee and the guy at the counter is saying I need to give him $1.35 or whatever, I can just say “Hey! Law of consecration, remember?” and he’ll just let me have it without having to pay.

And then I’ll be able to use that money for some of that new Millennium flavored Laffy Taffy.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Saints And MMORPG Soldiers

The other day I was soloing on World of Warcraft when I ran into this Tauren Hunter in the woods just south of Ironforge. Near the end of the duel, as I found myself frozen in place by his ice trap, just one hit away from him killing me, he stopped. He stopped because he realized it was me - the missionary who had taught and baptized him all those years ago (years before World of Warcraft even existed).

So even though we were on two different sides (I was using my Draenei Warrior), we had a bond that was so strong that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do what we were supposed to do. So instead of fighting, our avatars embraced and he ended up letting me go.

When I thanked him for saving my life that day, he insisted that in fact I had saved his life ten years ago when my companion and I knocked on his door and shared the gospel with his family.

So I guess we were even – which was good because then a couple days later I ran into him again while I was logged in with my Dwarf Rogue. And that time, I didn’t let him know it was me because I really needed to kill his Tauren for the honor points.

Biblical Pranks

If I lived back in the Biblical days, I would have changed my name to Begat. And then I would have named my kid Begat and encouraged him to name his kid Begat. So that when the guys who write the Brass Plates were writing out my lineage, they would have to write something like:

“And Bob begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat”

Then every time people read the scriptures, they would remember me as the guy who was always messing with the guys who wrote the brass plates.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

10 People Who Have Joined The Church After They Died

Although it is impossible to know for sure, it is generally accepted among the saints that these people, after having missed the opportunity to join the church in this life, have done so in the spirit world.

1. Christopher Columbus
2. Martin Luther
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. George Washington
5. The guy that said he can’t read a sealed book
6. C.S. Lewis
7. Mother Theresa
8. Pac
9. Aaliyah
10. Ricky Schroeder

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Stories From My Mission (part four)

One time on my mission, there were some people who were going around distributing anti-Mormon literature. So I printed up some anti-anti-Mormon literature and started passing that out.

I guess that must have made them pretty mad because a couple days later, they were handing out anti-anti-anti-Mormon literature.

So of course, I made some anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature and they responded with some anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature.

So then I started distributing some PRO-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature. And they weren’t paying attention, so they just followed the pattern we had established and they put out some anti-pro-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature – which if you think about it, is the same as pro-Mormon literature.

When they realized what they had done, they were so ashamed that they skipped town and we never heard from them again.

It was awesome.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Remembering The True Spirit Of Christmas

You know, sometimes it is easy to find ourselves getting caught up in the commercial aspects of the season and focusing our time thinking and even worrying about what we are going to be getting for Christmas. But it is important that we teach our children, that the true spirit of Christmas is not in the receiving, but in the giving.

So this year as we approach that very special day, I’m trying not to be concerned with what I am going to be GETTING – but rather with what others are going to be GIVING me.

Because I have been dropping some hints.

And it looks like this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Lost Post

Some of you may have seen that post I put up on this blog the other day and then noticed the next day that it had been removed – and you’re probably wondering what’s going on with that.

Well, it was actually a post that I really liked but I deleted it totally by accident. And the thing is, I’m not going to try to rewrite it, because unfortunately there are enemies of this blog out there who have probably already made a copy of the original post - and if I do rewrite it, they will alter the original and claim that it is different from the new post in an effort to discredit me.

So yeah. Sorry if you missed it.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Samaritan Quality Check

It's nice to be a Good Samaritan.

But I personally strive to be a Great Samaritan.

Stake Conference

Stake Conference is an incredible opportunity for all of the members in the same area to gather together under one roof to hear the Stake presidency teach and exhort us.

But the thing is, if your kid starts screaming and crying, it’s probably best for you to take them home so they don’t disturb all the other people who are trying to listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t think it’s an unpardonable sin to discretely pinch your kid to make him start crying.

And sometimes I think that is one of the best reasons to have kids.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Fullness Of Time

1000 years on earth is equal to one day in heaven.

(I learned that from reading Abraham 3:4)

Two hours in Stake Conference is equal to about 15 hours outside of Stake Conference.

(I learned that from accidentally going to Stake Conference once)

Stories From My Mission (part three)

There was an Elder on my mission who got sent home early because he would put ether on a rag and hold it over his companion’s nose and mouth until he passed out. And then the companion would wake up at like noon the next day and not know what had happened.

Sometimes I wished he had been my companion, because I really hated having to get up early.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Sad Story

One year in Young Men's the theme was “remember who you are.”

Towards the end of the year, Justin Myers got into and accident and ended up with amnesia. It was a really trying time for his family and every week at church, you could see that his mom had been crying.

And it's sad because all of her suffering could have been avoided if only Justin had followed the council of our inspired leaders.

Foot Prints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. As we walked, many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was only one.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat; I could see only one set of footprints.

But then I remembered that just because there weren’t extra foot prints didn’t mean He wasn’t there with me. I mean, because he can totally float in the air if He wants to, right?

Anyway, after that I dreamed I was naked and on a little raft and I was surrounded by sharks.

This bothered me because I am scared of sharks.

And I didn’t want anyone to see me naked.

Then I woke up.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Stories From My Mission (part two)

One time these sister missionaries from my mission tracted into this guy’s house and he didn’t kill them.

Then a week later, the police arrested the guy for being a serial killer. When they asked him why he hadn’t killed the sister missionaries that week prior, he said it was because there were three big Indians watching him from across the street.

But the amazing part of that story is that the Indian family who lived across the street had moved out two years earlier.

And there was now a Pakistani family that lived there.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

A Stupor Of Thought

I think most people learn humility after two years of full time missionary service, but did you know that in the Bangkok mission, they learn it after only one night?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Brigham Young Quote

One time I heard a Brigham Young quote where he was saying that every single young man over the age of twenty five should see Menace II Society.

That's why I can't understand anyone doubting that Brother Brigham was a prophet. That movie came out 116 years after he died and not only did he know its gritty portrayal of urban life would be very influential on our modern Mormon culture, but he also knew it would not be appropriate for children to watch.

And he was right.

He was always right.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Stupor Of Thought

If a person who is living accepts the gospel, we baptise them the normal way.

And if a person who is dead accepts the gospel, we baptise them by proxy.

But I never could figure out how we would baptise a Nazgûl (who is "neither living nor dead"), if he were to accept the gospel.

Because the thing is, I taught a couple Nazgûl families on my mission, but none of them progressed very far in the discussions. So I never did find out.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Pride Cycle

I guess I would have to say my favorite stage of the Pride Cycle is the stage where I am rich and prosperous.

You're Not Alone

When you hear them talking about the Pride Cycle in church, do you ever get confused because you think maybe they are talking about a specialized automobile that Pride Man keeps parked in his Pride Cave next to his Pride Mobile and his Pride Copter?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now you're on your own)

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Articles Of Faith

We believe that all men will be punished for their own sins.

Like you know those two twins in GI Joe where if one of them got hurt, the other one would feel it?

Yeah, we don't believe that is right.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Stories From My Mission (part one)

One day a couple of sister missionaries in my district ran out of water and they didn’t want to go buy more water because it was Sunday. So they decided to fill a pitcher up with gasoline and prayed that the gas would be changed into water.

After they prayed, they smelled it and it didn’t smell quite as strong as it had before, so they drank it.

But it turns out that they only had enough faith to turn half of the gas into water.

And one of the sisters had to get her stomach pumped.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

My Favorite Bible Parable

One of my favorite stories in the scriptures is when Neil the Younger taught the ancient Israelites the parable of the needle and the damage done.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Puns Of Perdition

You know what would be good to have Miracle Whip of Forgiveness on?

A Marvelous Pork and a Wonder Bread

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Frequently Asked Questions About My Beliefs

Word of Wisdom FAQ:

Q. Is it okay to drink wine like they did in the Bible days?

A. That’s a complicated question. You see there were two different kinds of wine back in Biblical times: New Wine (which is basically grape juice) and Old Wine (which has been allowed to ferment).

It is okay to drink New Wine (juice box), but Old Wine (alcoholic) is an abomination to the Lord.

Good Musical Taste FAQ:

Q. Is it okay to listen to the song Red Red Wine?

A. That is also a complicated question. You see there are three main versions of the song Red Red Wine: Old Red Red Wine (written and recorded by 70s crooner Neil Diamond), Good Red Red Wine (cover by Jamaican singer Tony Tribe), and New Red Red Wine (as performed by faux-Jamaican cover-artists UB40).

It is okay to listen to Good Red Red Wine (rocksteady version). But Old Red Red Wine (soft rock) is generally frowned upon and New Red Red Wine (UB40 tripe) is an abomination to my ears.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

A True Story

A guy from the stake presidency came and told us to remember not to tell stories or give sermons on Fast Sunday when you are supposed to be bearing a testimony.

And I know that it is mostly because of that little Mexican lady that always stands up there for 20 minutes crying and talking about something with her kids or maybe something about a bike (I don’t know, I can’t understand her), but I guess it also means I won’t be sharing this faith promoting story next testimony meeting:

Last Tuesday I went to pick up some food at this Thai place. When I pulled up, I turned off the car and tried to pull out the key. It wouldn’t come out. I tried brute force, I tried carefully turning it, but it wouldn’t budge. Next I decided to just go home and figure it out, but then it wouldn’t start either. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to turn the key both ways. I was thinking about how I will have to get a ride home and get it towed and I admit I shouted a lot of words that made the angels sad.

But then after I ran out of swear words, I decided to calm down and say a little prayer to ask for help. Shortly after the prayer I realized that the car was still in drive and that is why it wouldn’t start or let go of the key.

Which reinforced an important principal that I have learned over the years:

God does answer prayers. Sometimes the answer is “yes,” sometimes the answer is “no,” and sometimes the answer is “you’re an idiot.” But He always answers prayers.

Friday, November 7, 2008

A Stupor Of Thought

The other day I was pondering the great wonders of the gospel and something came to me:

If the church invented a time machine, we wouldn’t have to do work for the dead anymore. We would just go to the temple, take a time machine back, and baptize the people while they were still alive.

I know that would improve my temple attendance.

Also even though the church strictly prohibits changing the past and creating rifts in the space/time continuum, after I baptized Aaliyah, I would tell her not to get on that plane.

And then, if our timeline remained intact, I’d just repent about it later.

It's About Time... Travel

Look, I understand why the church would take a moral stand about creating temporal paradoxes that would unravel the very fabric of time, but the thing is, I feel like they shouldn’t be so controlling of my personal life when I do chrono-jump.

I mean I just want to see what would happen if Hitler had been baptized – and also won the war. But the church wants to deny me that right.

That is why I am voting NO on Proposition

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Deep Doctrine

Deep Doctrine: The law of plural marriage

Deeper Doctrine: The true origin of dinosaurs

Deepest Doctrine: The law of plural dinosaur marriage

Pioneer Children Sang As They Walked

I bet that got annoying pretty fast for the pioneer adults.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Confession

I know we are not supposed to go against the teachings of the church or voice our dissenting opinions, but I have a confession:

I personally do not hope to endure all things.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloween

In my house we don’t celebrate Halloween. I don’t think its focus on evil, death and gluttony is appropriate for children who we are trying to raise in the gospel.

So this Halloween, like every Halloween, we will have a special family home evening and make some healthy snacks to eat while we watch Pulp Fiction together as a family.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Because You Have Been Given Much, You Too Must Give

I guess I have just been feeling the missionary spirit a lot lately, but I have been thinking about it and I would like to urge you to share My Religious Blog with your non-member friends. If you are hesitant to approach them with something gospel related, just give them the link and tell them it is a blog about Regis Philbin. No matter how you get them here, when they do come here, I would like them to read the message below:

Hello brother and/or sister,

Thank you for visiting my religious blog. If you are having a difficult time understanding some of the posts you are reading, that makes sense. But I would like to invite you to have a couple of young men come visit you at your house and help explain these jokes to you and your family.

If you like rap music, they will also have very special cassette to share with you.

Thank you.

Love, Brother Gatsby (former DL)

Here are some pass-along cards you can print out if that will help:

Friday, October 24, 2008

The Word Of Wisdom

It really bothers me when people pick and choose which scriptures to follow. For example, the Word of Wisdom. It is more than just list of things you should avoid putting in your body - rather it is a law of health that should be followed in its entirety.

If you read the scriptures carefully, they state that strong drinks ARE “for the washing of your bodies” and that tobacco IS “an herb for bruises and all sick cattle.”

So don’t think that just because you don’t smoke and drink that you are living the Word of Wisdom. When was the last time you bathed with hard liquor? Or rubbed tobacco on your bruises? Or fed it to a sick cow?

If it has been a while, then you are living neither the letter of the law nor the spirit of the law.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Mormon Play List

Whenever I am choosing the order in which to play music at a party, I always make sure this album: Precedes this one:

You’re Not Alone

When you hear people talk about Church Court, do you always get confused and think they are talking about that TV show Night Court?

And then when you think about how Judge Anderson was always doing magic tricks on Night Court, do you then picture the Stake President doing magic tricks at Church Court and start to laugh?

And then when everybody looks at you, do you have a hard time explaining why Church Court is so funny?

If so, you’re not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I Know This Rap Is True

I learned on my mission that when trying to share the gospel, it helps to build on common beliefs.

So whenever I want to share the gospel with someone who I know likes rap music, I always give them a copy of my Mormon Rap cassette.

And then if they like that, I explain Kolob to them.

Conference Stories

I love when they tell funny stories in conference. Because they teach an important principal, but the humorous antidote helps you to remember that principal.

Like that one story where there was a guy or something and he said something about oceanography. Which is a funny word in and of itself, but then I think there was also a kid involved or maybe it was just a slow adult or something but whoever it was was all “oceanography? I don’t even own an oceanograph.”

And that’s the part where I always start to tear up, because it’s so true.

I know it with every fiber of my being!

Well, at least with 90% of my being fibers, but still...

Repentance

I would like to apologize if I offended anybody with my last post about Utah-Mormons. I would feel really bad if I was responsible for any angry feelings or rivalry between East Coast-Mormons and West Coast-Mormons.

The last time there was a rivalry like that, both Brother Pac and Brother Biggie went inactive, so I am truly sorry.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Utah Mormons

I hate when I hear little comments and stereotypes that reveal an animosity between “Utah-Mormons” and “California-Mormons” and even “East Coast-Mormons”.

It’s just not right. With the world in the state it is in today, we need to come together and unite. We need to remember that California-Mormons are not any better or worse than Utah Mormons or East Coast-Mormons. Yes, there may be small differences between us, but we actually have more in common than we have differences, if you think about it.

For example, at least we’re not as weird as those Idaho-Mormons.

You know what I’m talking about, California-Mormons!

*High five!*

A Stupor Of Thought

I know that Celestial Kindom is the highest degree of glory, but I can never remember which order the Telesitial and the Terrestrial go in. Which one is the moon and which one is the stars? And which one is the one with dinosaurs on it? Or am I thinking of the Triassic Kingdom?

All I know is I am going to strive to be in the Celestial Kingdom, because I do not want to be stuck with dinosaurs for eternity.

Because yeah, they say that at least the dinosaurs won't breed in heaven, but if there's one thing I learned on my mission, it's that (eternal) life always finds a way.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Puns Of Perdition

I have an idea for a new sandwich spread for Mormons. It's called The Miracle Whip Of Forgiveness.

It would be more tangy than regular mayonnaise, but it would also make you feel more guilty than regular mayonnaise.

Friday, October 3, 2008

LOL Cats General Conference

*Sorry. My LOL Cats accent is pretty rusty. I haven't had many opportunities to practice it since my mission.