Sunday, January 25, 2015
Sunday, October 6, 2013
- Guys on both sides of the same Facebook argument
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Monday, July 9, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
I haven't heard my kids tell that big of a lie since last month when they claimed that when their mother calls them, quickly they obey.
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
And did you especially feel that way about Sundays when you found out that church was only going to be one hour this week?
If so, you're not alone.
(even though right now you are on your own)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Though I can definitely see how you would get them confused.
Especially since Marc Anthony is arguably our generation's Abinidi.
(Feel free to print out the above reference material to share with your primary class and/or Home Teaching families)
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
What is a ghosts' favorite book of scripture?
- The Boo! k of Mormon.
What tribe did the lycanthrope's patriarchal blessing say he was from?
What is the living corpse's favorite teaching from the New Testament?
- The Zom-beattitudes.
Where did the goblin get his endowments taken out?
- The Orc Mountain Temple.
What is the vampire's least favorite church meeting?
- Stake Conference.
What is Brother Matsby's least favorite church meeting?
- Also Stake Conference.
Seriously, what is up with Stake Conference?
- I don't know.
They're like delicious pass along cards!
Friday, September 30, 2011
“Absolutely,” the member replied with confidence.
The neighbor thought about that for a moment. He seemed genuinely interested and then asked, “What did the lolcat say on that blog for the last general conference?”
At this point the good member of the Church explained that the cat had warned about the evils of pernogrify and then Slash drove his car off a cliff with his girlfriend inside.
His friend found this troubling and asked, “You mean to tell me that the legendary guitar player for the band Guns and Roses drove himself and his girlfriend off a cliff?”
The brother replied "no my friend, Slash jumped out justen times."
I think we all could learn a lot from this story.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Just to give you a little sneak peak of what’s in store… at the beginning of each episode, one of the seminary teachers will always show up at the crime scene and while removing his sun glasses, he’ll deliver a smooth, gospel-inspired, one-liner. Here are some examples of what I mean...
“Looks like the truth must have (removes sunglasses) cutteth him to his center!”
“I guess she hoped to (removes sunglasses) endure all things!”
“Looks like his soul (removes sunglasses) hungered!”
“I guess this companionship (removes sunglasses) went on splits!”
“Looks like she put her shoulder (removes sunglasses) to the wheel!”
Also as a back up, there’s also another procedural show I’m working on called Letter Of The Law And Order In The Kingdom.
But that one obviously needs some more work.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Blessed are the sarcastic divorcees who share a house in Miami with their mother and two other older ladies, for they shall often get to share cheesecake together while swapping stories around the kitchen table.
Monday, February 14, 2011
But more recently when I think back on that experience, I wonder if maybe it actually had something to do with the tornado we were running from at the time.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Here are two more articles you can use in your talk...
March 2011 Sunstone
Salt Lake City Weekly: Best of Utah Award
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
BAD PARTY GAME: Spin The Bottle
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Spin The Bible
BAD PARTY GAME: Truth Or Dare
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Truth Restored Or Dare
BAD PARTY GAME: Seven Minutes In Heaven
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Forty Years In The Wilderness
BAD PARTY GAME: Bloody Mary
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Bloody Mary Ellen W. Smoot
BAD PARTY GAME: Putting a kid’s hand in water to make him pee the bed.
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Immersing a kid’s entire body in water to save his soul.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Other possible titles include Praise to the Cinderella Man, Rocky of Ages, and The Great White Hope of Israel.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
4. The one who wrestled Jacob
5. The one from Rent
6. The one from Buffy
7. The one from Led Zeppelin t-shirts
8. Michael Landon
9. Joel Pineiro
10. Warren Worthington III
Saturday, April 3, 2010
2,865 stakes! Ah ah ah
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Remember you only have until April 6th to file, so if you haven't yet, you'd better hurry and do so.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
So this year, we are all going to dress up in Liahona costumes…
Then we are going to stand outside on the street and when people come around who are wearing modest and family-oriented costumes, we will point them in the direction of the houses they should go to in order to get the nice big candy bars.
But if a person’s costume is too scary or too slutty, and they ask which direction to go in, we will just shrug our shoulders and not say anything until they go home and change.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
But that name is also very similar to the working title of a 1920s-inspired dance I am developing that would also help you remember to keep the commandments.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Seriously, I’m never inviting those guys again.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
14. I saw a flat pedestal with two large round stones affixed to either side.
15. Upon this pedestal I did see a fifth grader who was using it to jump up and down.
16. And it came to pass that that kid did not have any friends. Yea verily, he was known in the land as kind of a dingleberry.
(that’s a scripture I found particularly easy to liken unto myself when I was a youth)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Elder Costello: That's what I’m asking you.
Elder Abbott: Well I just told you.
Elder Costello: You just told me what?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Costello: Well then, Who is On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Abbott: Naturally.
Elder Costello: Just tell me Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Abbott: That’s right.
Elder Costello: What’s right?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who!
Elder Costello: THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!
(General Conference was a lot funnier back in those days)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The Book of Abraham facsimiles found in the Pearl of Great Price are probably the one thing most responsible for my testimony today. Because did you know that those facsimiles were released in 1835?
That is over one hundred years before the fax machine was even invented!
That’s right Antis, read it and weep!!!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
And then when you realized your mistake, did you bring them a plate of cookies the next day – even though you know that’s not going to mean much when the judgement is upon them?
If so, you’re not alone.
(even though right now you’re on your own)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
So I told him my name was Mick Jagger and that I wrote sinister rock and roll music with the sole intent of encouraging young people to fornicate.
Oh man, you should have seen that old guy's face!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
I had my calling and election made sure.
Oh and then guess what happened during Elders Quorum?
Just kidding! Why would I go to Elders Quorum? I just had my CALLING. AND. ELECTION. MADE. SURE!!!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Now I understand it’s going to be strange since you are used to calling me Gatsby – just like I imagine it was strange at first for the people who followed Abram's papyrus blog when he changed his user name to Abraham.
But you’ll get use to it and I believe that we may even end up better off in the end because of it.
Your friend in the Schroedernacle,
Brother Matsby (former DL)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
In case it is, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of apostle name I should use…
Do you think I should go by first initial – middle name – last name (like N. Eldon Tanner)?
Or first name – middle initial – last name (like Bruce R McConkie)?
Or try something totally new and do first initial - middle initial – lastname?
Or is that against church policy?
Is that why H.R. Puffinstuff was never called to be a G.A.???
Ugh… I’m so nervous I can’t even concentrate!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
In fact, my faith is so strong in this holy promise that I have already started planning all the ATVs and jet skies I am going to buy when the cash finally does start to flow.
Not to mention all of the enemies whom I will destroy with that money and influence.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Which teaches a very important lesson:
No matter what your age (five, twenty five, even forty five), we are all thinking about the same thing when there are guest speakers from the stake.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
And even though he said some things about the brownies that he claimed were doctrine, that we found out later were just his own speculation, well…
That doesn’t make him any less delicious!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.
And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.
Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:
Saturday, February 21, 2009
One time there was a guy in the mountains. Or maybe it was a young man. Like an Indian kid or maybe it was a lady. Anyway, they were outside and in a rural setting. Maybe in a mountain or by a river. Or was it at a park in the city?
The point is she was outside and heard a little voice say “hello” and he looked around and saw lizard – or it could have been a snake. Or a rat. But either way, it had developed human speech and learned a rudimentary form of English. And it said “pick me up” and the Indian boy was like “no, you are a rattle snake. You will bite me if I pick you up” Or maybe it was a scorpion and the kid said, “you will sting me…” Or maybe it was an eradiated rock.
But the rat was like “no, I won’t. I am a nice scorpion, now give me a kiss and I will grant you three wishes” and the girl didn’t want to, but the lizard convinced her to eventually, so the man put it in his pocket and carried it down the rocky cliff and when he got to the bottom of the cave, she took the sharp toothed marsupial out of her knapsack and it immediately sunk its teeth into her fleshy calf muscles.
So the old lady looks down at the badger and says “you said you weren’t going to shoot me.” And the magic rock says “look Poindexter, you knew what I was when you picked me up” And the boy was like “well what about my three wishes?” and the rat said “nah. I changed my mind about that” and then it slithered off and left Brer Bear to bleed to death.
The moral of this story is that sometimes sin can feel good - in fact depending on what sin we are talking about, sometimes it can feel REALLY good. But in the end, you will go to hell if you are nice to the little jungle creatures.
Also I think the boy’s last words were “it mattered to that one” because the poison had reached his brain and he had become delusional.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
But I am confused about when Benjamin Button should be baptized. Since he was born old, would it be okay to baptize him when he was a baby? Or do you need to wait until he is 8 years old? Because that could be almost 80 years from now!
I asked my bishop, but he acted all weird, like I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s such an isolated case. But it’s not that isolated! Because remember when Mork and Mindy had a baby? He was also born old and got young (which from what I understand is the case with all Orkins).
So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to write church headquarters for an answer.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Like one time in my old ward, I started messing around with my Ward Clerk and one week I paid my month’s tithing in pennies.
So then each week, when he was going around counting people during sacrament meeting, when he got to me, he would start counting audibly and was like "eighty, eighty one, eighty two, (points at me) eighty two and A HALF..."
So then one week I changed the program so instead of saying he was the ward clerk, it said he was the ward jerk.
So then one week he transferred my records to some ward in Idaho.
So the next week I put a whoopee cushion on his chair in Elder’s Quorum.
But then the next week we found out he had been stealing the ward’s tithing money and he was probably going to get excommunicated.
I didn’t quite get that last one, but it just goes to show that sometimes pranks at church can go too far.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Now I appreciate the leadership’s willingness to try something new and reach out to our young men and women in a new way, but I do think their rebranding of Moroni’s image just feels like they are trying a little too hard…
On the other hand, he does look pretty awesome.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
But that doesn't mean we believe that aliens are little green men, like you see on TV, who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.
No, we know that they are human beings who look just like you and me (also created in His image) who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Which I think was just an excuse for being a bad artist.
Either that or he actually thinks I “could be” a guy with a lopsided face and an eye on my cheek.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Other people think the best meeting block is from 11:00 – 2:00 because they like to sleep in on Sunday morning.
But I think the ideal meeting time would be 11:30 – 12:00 because seriously…
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Because my talk last Sunday didn't make any sense without the help of Brother Woodrow P. Woodruff.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
If that ever happens again, I hope I am the lucky one who gets to keep English as my language. Because I didn’t do very well in my Junior High Spanish class.
Plus all my DVDs and comicbooks are in English.
And I was thinking how if I was friends with the brother of Jared and I was one of the people who did not have my language confounded, every morning when I got up and he said good morning to me, I would pretend I was speaking a different language.
Like one morning I would say something like “Buenos dias, hombre. ¿Como esta?” and the next morning I would say “Gutten tag, mien freund”.
And each time, he would be scared and think I had had my language confounded, but then I’d be all “nah man, I’m just goofing with ya.”
And that’s just an example of how my good humor would help to make the journey to the city of Moriancumer just a little more enjoyable for everybody who had to share a barge with me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
And then I’ll be able to use that money for some of that new Millennium flavored Laffy Taffy.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
So even though we were on two different sides (I was using my Draenei Warrior), we had a bond that was so strong that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do what we were supposed to do. So instead of fighting, our avatars embraced and he ended up letting me go.
When I thanked him for saving my life that day, he insisted that in fact I had saved his life ten years ago when my companion and I knocked on his door and shared the gospel with his family.
So I guess we were even – which was good because then a couple days later I ran into him again while I was logged in with my Dwarf Rogue. And that time, I didn’t let him know it was me because I really needed to kill his Tauren for the honor points.
“And Bob begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat”
Then every time people read the scriptures, they would remember me as the guy who was always messing with the guys who wrote the brass plates.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
1. Christopher Columbus
2. Martin Luther
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. George Washington
5. The guy that said he can’t read a sealed book
6. C.S. Lewis
7. Mother Theresa
10. Ricky Schroeder
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I guess that must have made them pretty mad because a couple days later, they were handing out anti-anti-anti-Mormon literature.
So of course, I made some anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature and they responded with some anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature.
So then I started distributing some PRO-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature. And they weren’t paying attention, so they just followed the pattern we had established and they put out some anti-pro-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature – which if you think about it, is the same as pro-Mormon literature.
When they realized what they had done, they were so ashamed that they skipped town and we never heard from them again.
It was awesome.
Monday, December 22, 2008
So this year as we approach that very special day, I’m trying not to be concerned with what I am going to be GETTING – but rather with what others are going to be GIVING me.
Because I have been dropping some hints.
And it looks like this is going to be the best Christmas ever!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Well, it was actually a post that I really liked but I deleted it totally by accident. And the thing is, I’m not going to try to rewrite it, because unfortunately there are enemies of this blog out there who have probably already made a copy of the original post - and if I do rewrite it, they will alter the original and claim that it is different from the new post in an effort to discredit me.
So yeah. Sorry if you missed it.
Monday, December 15, 2008
But the thing is, if your kid starts screaming and crying, it’s probably best for you to take them home so they don’t disturb all the other people who are trying to listen.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t think it’s an unpardonable sin to discretely pinch your kid to make him start crying.
And sometimes I think that is one of the best reasons to have kids.
Friday, December 12, 2008
(I learned that from reading Abraham 3:4)
Two hours in Stake Conference is equal to about 15 hours outside of Stake Conference.
(I learned that from accidentally going to Stake Conference once)
Sometimes I wished he had been my companion, because I really hated having to get up early.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Towards the end of the year, Justin Myers got into and accident and ended up with amnesia. It was a really trying time for his family and every week at church, you could see that his mom had been crying.
And it's sad because all of her suffering could have been avoided if only Justin had followed the council of our inspired leaders.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was only one.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat; I could see only one set of footprints.
But then I remembered that just because there weren’t extra foot prints didn’t mean He wasn’t there with me. I mean, because he can totally float in the air if He wants to, right?
Anyway, after that I dreamed I was naked and on a little raft and I was surrounded by sharks.
This bothered me because I am scared of sharks.
And I didn’t want anyone to see me naked.
Then I woke up.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Then a week later, the police arrested the guy for being a serial killer. When they asked him why he hadn’t killed the sister missionaries that week prior, he said it was because there were three big Indians watching him from across the street.
But the amazing part of that story is that the Indian family who lived across the street had moved out two years earlier.
And there was now a Pakistani family that lived there.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
That's why I can't understand anyone doubting that Brother Brigham was a prophet. That movie came out 116 years after he died and not only did he know its gritty portrayal of urban life would be very influential on our modern Mormon culture, but he also knew it would not be appropriate for children to watch.
And he was right.
He was always right.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
And if a person who is dead accepts the gospel, we baptise them by proxy.
But I never could figure out how we would baptise a Nazgûl (who is "neither living nor dead"), if he were to accept the gospel.
Because the thing is, I taught a couple Nazgûl families on my mission, but none of them progressed very far in the discussions. So I never did find out.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
If so, you're not alone.
(even though right now you're on your own)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
After they prayed, they smelled it and it didn’t smell quite as strong as it had before, so they drank it.
But it turns out that they only had enough faith to turn half of the gas into water.
And one of the sisters had to get her stomach pumped.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Q. Is it okay to drink wine like they did in the Bible days?
A. That’s a complicated question. You see there were two different kinds of wine back in Biblical times: New Wine (which is basically grape juice) and Old Wine (which has been allowed to ferment).
It is okay to drink New Wine (juice box), but Old Wine (alcoholic) is an abomination to the Lord.
Good Musical Taste FAQ:
Q. Is it okay to listen to the song Red Red Wine?
A. That is also a complicated question. You see there are three main versions of the song Red Red Wine: Old Red Red Wine (written and recorded by 70s crooner Neil Diamond), Good Red Red Wine (cover by Jamaican singer Tony Tribe), and New Red Red Wine (as performed by faux-Jamaican cover-artists UB40).
It is okay to listen to Good Red Red Wine (rocksteady version). But Old Red Red Wine (soft rock) is generally frowned upon and New Red Red Wine (UB40 tripe) is an abomination to my ears.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
And I know that it is mostly because of that little Mexican lady that always stands up there for 20 minutes crying and talking about something with her kids or maybe something about a bike (I don’t know, I can’t understand her), but I guess it also means I won’t be sharing this faith promoting story next testimony meeting:
Last Tuesday I went to pick up some food at this Thai place. When I pulled up, I turned off the car and tried to pull out the key. It wouldn’t come out. I tried brute force, I tried carefully turning it, but it wouldn’t budge. Next I decided to just go home and figure it out, but then it wouldn’t start either. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to turn the key both ways. I was thinking about how I will have to get a ride home and get it towed and I admit I shouted a lot of words that made the angels sad.
But then after I ran out of swear words, I decided to calm down and say a little prayer to ask for help. Shortly after the prayer I realized that the car was still in drive and that is why it wouldn’t start or let go of the key.
Which reinforced an important principal that I have learned over the years:
God does answer prayers. Sometimes the answer is “yes,” sometimes the answer is “no,” and sometimes the answer is “you’re an idiot.” But He always answers prayers.
Friday, November 7, 2008
If the church invented a time machine, we wouldn’t have to do work for the dead anymore. We would just go to the temple, take a time machine back, and baptize the people while they were still alive.
I know that would improve my temple attendance.
Also even though the church strictly prohibits changing the past and creating rifts in the space/time continuum, after I baptized Aaliyah, I would tell her not to get on that plane.
And then, if our timeline remained intact, I’d just repent about it later.
I mean I just want to see what would happen if Hitler had been baptized – and also won the war. But the church wants to deny me that right.
That is why I am voting NO on Proposition ∞
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
So this Halloween, like every Halloween, we will have a special family home evening and make some healthy snacks to eat while we watch Pulp Fiction together as a family.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Hello brother and/or sister,
Thank you for visiting my religious blog. If you are having a difficult time understanding some of the posts you are reading, that makes sense. But I would like to invite you to have a couple of young men come visit you at your house and help explain these jokes to you and your family.
If you like rap music, they will also have very special cassette to share with you.
Love, Brother Gatsby (former DL)
Here are some pass-along cards you can print out if that will help:
Friday, October 24, 2008
If you read the scriptures carefully, they state that strong drinks ARE “for the washing of your bodies” and that tobacco IS “an herb for bruises and all sick cattle.”
So don’t think that just because you don’t smoke and drink that you are living the Word of Wisdom. When was the last time you bathed with hard liquor? Or rubbed tobacco on your bruises? Or fed it to a sick cow?
If it has been a while, then you are living neither the letter of the law nor the spirit of the law.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
And then when you think about how Judge Anderson was always doing magic tricks on Night Court, do you then picture the Stake President doing magic tricks at Church Court and start to laugh?
And then when everybody looks at you, do you have a hard time explaining why Church Court is so funny?
If so, you’re not alone.
(even though right now you’re on your own)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
So whenever I want to share the gospel with someone who I know likes rap music, I always give them a copy of my Mormon Rap cassette.
And then if they like that, I explain Kolob to them.
Like that one story where there was a guy or something and he said something about oceanography. Which is a funny word in and of itself, but then I think there was also a kid involved or maybe it was just a slow adult or something but whoever it was was all “oceanography? I don’t even own an oceanograph.”
And that’s the part where I always start to tear up, because it’s so true.
I know it with every fiber of my being!
Well, at least with 90% of my being fibers, but still...
The last time there was a rivalry like that, both Brother Pac and Brother Biggie went inactive, so I am truly sorry.
Monday, October 13, 2008
It’s just not right. With the world in the state it is in today, we need to come together and unite. We need to remember that California-Mormons are not any better or worse than Utah Mormons or East Coast-Mormons. Yes, there may be small differences between us, but we actually have more in common than we have differences, if you think about it.
For example, at least we’re not as weird as those Idaho-Mormons.
You know what I’m talking about, California-Mormons!
All I know is I am going to strive to be in the Celestial Kingdom, because I do not want to be stuck with dinosaurs for eternity.
Because yeah, they say that at least the dinosaurs won't breed in heaven, but if there's one thing I learned on my mission, it's that (eternal) life always finds a way.