Monday, January 11, 2010
Clarification
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Chapel Doors Seem To Say To Me "Shhhhh! Be Still"
Sunday, November 29, 2009
You're Not Alone


Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Object Lessons
So this year, we are all going to dress up in Liahona costumes…
Then we are going to stand outside on the street and when people come around who are wearing modest and family-oriented costumes, we will point them in the direction of the houses they should go to in order to get the nice big candy bars.But if a person’s costume is too scary or too slutty, and they ask which direction to go in, we will just shrug our shoulders and not say anything until they go home and change.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Puns Of Perdition
But that name is also very similar to the working title of a 1920s-inspired dance I am developing that would also help you remember to keep the commandments.
Monday, October 19, 2009
A Stupor Of Thought
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Puns Of Perdition
And it would be especially good with full cream milk.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Baptists At Our BBQ
Seriously, I’m never inviting those guys again.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Stupor Of Thought
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 5, 2009
When Speaking In Sacrament
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
You're Not Alone

Thursday, August 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Plain And Precious Truths
14. I saw a flat pedestal with two large round stones affixed to either side.
15. Upon this pedestal I did see a fifth grader who was using it to jump up and down.
16. And it came to pass that that kid did not have any friends. Yea verily, he was known in the land as kind of a dingleberry.
(that’s a scripture I found particularly easy to liken unto myself when I was a youth)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
A New TV Series
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Classic Mormon Vaudeville Routine
Elder Costello: That's what I’m asking you.
Elder Abbott: Well I just told you.
Elder Costello: You just told me what?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Costello: Well then, Who is On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Abbott: Naturally.
Elder Costello: Just tell me Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Abbott: That’s right.
Elder Costello: What’s right?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who!
Elder Costello: THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!
(General Conference was a lot funnier back in those days)
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
If I Could Hie To Kolob, I Would Choose Not To
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Hosanna Shouting / Righteous Anger
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The Book Of Abraham Facsimiles
The Book of Abraham facsimiles found in the Pearl of Great Price are probably the one thing most responsible for my testimony today. Because did you know that those facsimiles were released in 1835?
That is over one hundred years before the fax machine was even invented!
That’s right Antis, read it and weep!!!!
Monday, June 22, 2009
Teaching: No Greater Call
Thursday, June 11, 2009
You're Not Alone
And then when you realized your mistake, did you bring them a plate of cookies the next day – even though you know that’s not going to mean much when the judgement is upon them?
If so, you’re not alone.
(even though right now you’re on your own)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Thank Thee For The Moisture
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Testimony Lost And Found
Monday, June 1, 2009
LDSploitation



Friday, May 29, 2009
A Stupor Of Thought
Monday, May 25, 2009
Mormon Video Game
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Praydar
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Pranks At Church
So I told him my name was Mick Jagger and that I wrote sinister rock and roll music with the sole intent of encouraging young people to fornicate.
Oh man, you should have seen that old guy's face!
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Sale This Week
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Retraction
Monday, April 27, 2009
A Church Story
I had my calling and election made sure.
Oh and then guess what happened during Elders Quorum?
Just kidding! Why would I go to Elders Quorum? I just had my CALLING. AND. ELECTION. MADE. SURE!!!!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Blessing Arithmetic
Last night I decided to count my blessings and I ended up with 52.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Puns Of Perdition
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
New Name
Now I understand it’s going to be strange since you are used to calling me Gatsby – just like I imagine it was strange at first for the people who followed Abram's papyrus blog when he changed his user name to Abraham.
But you’ll get use to it and I believe that we may even end up better off in the end because of it.
Your friend in the Schroedernacle,
Brother Matsby (former DL)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
The Late Morning Of The First Resurrection
But I hope it's later in the morning.
Because I'm really more of a night person.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Revelation Will Be Televised
In case it is, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of apostle name I should use…
Do you think I should go by first initial – middle name – last name (like N. Eldon Tanner)?
Or first name – middle initial – last name (like Bruce R McConkie)?
Or try something totally new and do first initial - middle initial – lastname?
Or is that against church policy?
Is that why H.R. Puffinstuff was never called to be a G.A.???
Ugh… I’m so nervous I can’t even concentrate!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Seeking Riches
In fact, my faith is so strong in this holy promise that I have already started planning all the ATVs and jet skies I am going to buy when the cash finally does start to flow.
Not to mention all of the enemies whom I will destroy with that money and influence.
Monday, March 16, 2009
My Kid Helped Me Write Today's Post
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Jack Of All Hymns
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Puns of Perdition
And even though he said some things about the brownies that he claimed were doctrine, that we found out later were just his own speculation, well…
That doesn’t make him any less delicious!
Friday, February 27, 2009
A New Service I Am Offering
Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.
And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.
Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:
Saturday, February 21, 2009
A Parable
One time there was a guy in the mountains. Or maybe it was a young man. Like an Indian kid or maybe it was a lady. Anyway, they were outside and in a rural setting. Maybe in a mountain or by a river. Or was it at a park in the city?
The point is she was outside and heard a little voice say “hello” and he looked around and saw lizard – or it could have been a snake. Or a rat. But either way, it had developed human speech and learned a rudimentary form of English. And it said “pick me up” and the Indian boy was like “no, you are a rattle snake. You will bite me if I pick you up” Or maybe it was a scorpion and the kid said, “you will sting me…” Or maybe it was an eradiated rock.
But the rat was like “no, I won’t. I am a nice scorpion, now give me a kiss and I will grant you three wishes” and the girl didn’t want to, but the lizard convinced her to eventually, so the man put it in his pocket and carried it down the rocky cliff and when he got to the bottom of the cave, she took the sharp toothed marsupial out of her knapsack and it immediately sunk its teeth into her fleshy calf muscles.
So the old lady looks down at the badger and says “you said you weren’t going to shoot me.” And the magic rock says “look Poindexter, you knew what I was when you picked me up” And the boy was like “well what about my three wishes?” and the rat said “nah. I changed my mind about that” and then it slithered off and left Brer Bear to bleed to death.
The moral of this story is that sometimes sin can feel good - in fact depending on what sin we are talking about, sometimes it can feel REALLY good. But in the end, you will go to hell if you are nice to the little jungle creatures.
Also I think the boy’s last words were “it mattered to that one” because the poison had reached his brain and he had become delusional.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Movie Pitch
About a missionary who starts his mission as a well-seasoned and experienced A.P., but leaves the mission as a greenie.
Give me a call, Dutcher!
Monday, February 16, 2009
The Curious Case Of Infant Baptism
But I am confused about when Benjamin Button should be baptized. Since he was born old, would it be okay to baptize him when he was a baby? Or do you need to wait until he is 8 years old? Because that could be almost 80 years from now!
I asked my bishop, but he acted all weird, like I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s such an isolated case. But it’s not that isolated! Because remember when Mork and Mindy had a baby? He was also born old and got young (which from what I understand is the case with all Orkins).
So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to write church headquarters for an answer.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Pranks At Church
Like one time in my old ward, I started messing around with my Ward Clerk and one week I paid my month’s tithing in pennies.
So then each week, when he was going around counting people during sacrament meeting, when he got to me, he would start counting audibly and was like "eighty, eighty one, eighty two, (points at me) eighty two and A HALF..."
So then one week I changed the program so instead of saying he was the ward clerk, it said he was the ward jerk.
So then one week he transferred my records to some ward in Idaho.
So the next week I put a whoopee cushion on his chair in Elder’s Quorum.
But then the next week we found out he had been stealing the ward’s tithing money and he was probably going to get excommunicated.
I didn’t quite get that last one, but it just goes to show that sometimes pranks at church can go too far.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Puns Of Perdition
It's called Lycan The Scriptures.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Putting The "RAD" In Traditional Values
Now I appreciate the leadership’s willingness to try something new and reach out to our young men and women in a new way, but I do think their rebranding of Moroni’s image just feels like they are trying a little too hard…

On the other hand, he does look pretty awesome.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Deep Doctrine
But that doesn't mean we believe that aliens are little green men, like you see on TV, who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.
No, we know that they are human beings who look just like you and me (also created in His image) who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Stories From My Mission (part five)
Which I think was just an excuse for being a bad artist.
Either that or he actually thinks I “could be” a guy with a lopsided face and an eye on my cheek.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
The Epistle Of Simon To James
"Thou art guilty of vanity. Yea insomuch that ye believeth in thine heart that this scripture pertaineth unto you."
- Simon 19:72
Ideal Meeting Time
Other people think the best meeting block is from 11:00 – 2:00 because they like to sleep in on Sunday morning.
But I think the ideal meeting time would be 11:30 – 12:00 because seriously…
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Church Policy
Because my talk last Sunday didn't make any sense without the help of Brother Woodrow P. Woodruff.
For Further Reading...
And if you would like to learn more about black and pink emo pants, the Hot Topical Guide is a also helpful.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
A Stupor Of Thought
If that ever happens again, I hope I am the lucky one who gets to keep English as my language. Because I didn’t do very well in my Junior High Spanish class.
Plus all my DVDs and comicbooks are in English.
Mormons On TV
Like have you seen this Mormon kid on the new season of The Real World?
In the very first episode, he finds out that one of his roommates is from Missouri, and he just continues on being friendly to her like it was nothing.
As if he forgot that whole part of our history and how the Missourians treated our people.
Biblical Pranks
And I was thinking how if I was friends with the brother of Jared and I was one of the people who did not have my language confounded, every morning when I got up and he said good morning to me, I would pretend I was speaking a different language.
Like one morning I would say something like “Buenos dias, hombre. ¿Como esta?” and the next morning I would say “Gutten tag, mien freund”.
And each time, he would be scared and think I had had my language confounded, but then I’d be all “nah man, I’m just goofing with ya.”
And that’s just an example of how my good humor would help to make the journey to the city of Moriancumer just a little more enjoyable for everybody who had to share a barge with me.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I Can’t Wait To Live The Law Of Consecration
And then I’ll be able to use that money for some of that new Millennium flavored Laffy Taffy.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Saints And MMORPG Soldiers
So even though we were on two different sides (I was using my Draenei Warrior), we had a bond that was so strong that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do what we were supposed to do. So instead of fighting, our avatars embraced and he ended up letting me go.
When I thanked him for saving my life that day, he insisted that in fact I had saved his life ten years ago when my companion and I knocked on his door and shared the gospel with his family.
So I guess we were even – which was good because then a couple days later I ran into him again while I was logged in with my Dwarf Rogue. And that time, I didn’t let him know it was me because I really needed to kill his Tauren for the honor points.
Biblical Pranks
“And Bob begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat”
Then every time people read the scriptures, they would remember me as the guy who was always messing with the guys who wrote the brass plates.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
10 People Who Have Joined The Church After They Died
1. Christopher Columbus
2. Martin Luther
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. George Washington
5. The guy that said he can’t read a sealed book
6. C.S. Lewis
7. Mother Theresa
8. Pac
9. Aaliyah
10. Ricky Schroeder
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Stories From My Mission (part four)
I guess that must have made them pretty mad because a couple days later, they were handing out anti-anti-anti-Mormon literature.
So of course, I made some anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature and they responded with some anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature.
So then I started distributing some PRO-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature. And they weren’t paying attention, so they just followed the pattern we had established and they put out some anti-pro-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature – which if you think about it, is the same as pro-Mormon literature.
When they realized what they had done, they were so ashamed that they skipped town and we never heard from them again.
It was awesome.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Remembering The True Spirit Of Christmas
So this year as we approach that very special day, I’m trying not to be concerned with what I am going to be GETTING – but rather with what others are going to be GIVING me.
Because I have been dropping some hints.
And it looks like this is going to be the best Christmas ever!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Lost Post
Well, it was actually a post that I really liked but I deleted it totally by accident. And the thing is, I’m not going to try to rewrite it, because unfortunately there are enemies of this blog out there who have probably already made a copy of the original post - and if I do rewrite it, they will alter the original and claim that it is different from the new post in an effort to discredit me.
So yeah. Sorry if you missed it.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Samaritan Quality Check
But I personally strive to be a Great Samaritan.
Stake Conference
But the thing is, if your kid starts screaming and crying, it’s probably best for you to take them home so they don’t disturb all the other people who are trying to listen.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t think it’s an unpardonable sin to discretely pinch your kid to make him start crying.
And sometimes I think that is one of the best reasons to have kids.
Friday, December 12, 2008
The Fullness Of Time
(I learned that from reading Abraham 3:4)
Two hours in Stake Conference is equal to about 15 hours outside of Stake Conference.
(I learned that from accidentally going to Stake Conference once)
Stories From My Mission (part three)
Sometimes I wished he had been my companion, because I really hated having to get up early.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A Sad Story
Towards the end of the year, Justin Myers got into and accident and ended up with amnesia. It was a really trying time for his family and every week at church, you could see that his mom had been crying.
And it's sad because all of her suffering could have been avoided if only Justin had followed the council of our inspired leaders.
Foot Prints
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was only one.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat; I could see only one set of footprints.
But then I remembered that just because there weren’t extra foot prints didn’t mean He wasn’t there with me. I mean, because he can totally float in the air if He wants to, right?
Anyway, after that I dreamed I was naked and on a little raft and I was surrounded by sharks.
This bothered me because I am scared of sharks.
And I didn’t want anyone to see me naked.
Then I woke up.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Stories From My Mission (part two)
Then a week later, the police arrested the guy for being a serial killer. When they asked him why he hadn’t killed the sister missionaries that week prior, he said it was because there were three big Indians watching him from across the street.
But the amazing part of that story is that the Indian family who lived across the street had moved out two years earlier.
And there was now a Pakistani family that lived there.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
Friday, December 5, 2008
Brigham Young Quote
That's why I can't understand anyone doubting that Brother Brigham was a prophet. That movie came out 116 years after he died and not only did he know its gritty portrayal of urban life would be very influential on our modern Mormon culture, but he also knew it would not be appropriate for children to watch.
And he was right.
He was always right.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
And if a person who is dead accepts the gospel, we baptise them by proxy.
But I never could figure out how we would baptise a Nazgûl (who is "neither living nor dead"), if he were to accept the gospel.
Because the thing is, I taught a couple Nazgûl families on my mission, but none of them progressed very far in the discussions. So I never did find out.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
The Pride Cycle
You're Not Alone
If so, you're not alone.
(even though right now you're on your own)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Articles Of Faith
Like you know those two twins in GI Joe where if one of them got hurt, the other one would feel it?
Yeah, we don't believe that is right.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Stories From My Mission (part one)
After they prayed, they smelled it and it didn’t smell quite as strong as it had before, so they drank it.
But it turns out that they only had enough faith to turn half of the gas into water.
And one of the sisters had to get her stomach pumped.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
My Favorite Bible Parable
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Puns Of Perdition
A Marvelous Pork and a Wonder Bread
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Frequently Asked Questions About My Beliefs
Q. Is it okay to drink wine like they did in the Bible days?
A. That’s a complicated question. You see there were two different kinds of wine back in Biblical times: New Wine (which is basically grape juice) and Old Wine (which has been allowed to ferment).
It is okay to drink New Wine (juice box), but Old Wine (alcoholic) is an abomination to the Lord.
Good Musical Taste FAQ:
Q. Is it okay to listen to the song Red Red Wine?
A. That is also a complicated question. You see there are three main versions of the song Red Red Wine: Old Red Red Wine (written and recorded by 70s crooner Neil Diamond), Good Red Red Wine (cover by Jamaican singer Tony Tribe), and New Red Red Wine (as performed by faux-Jamaican cover-artists UB40).
It is okay to listen to Good Red Red Wine (rocksteady version). But Old Red Red Wine (soft rock) is generally frowned upon and New Red Red Wine (UB40 tripe) is an abomination to my ears.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A True Story
And I know that it is mostly because of that little Mexican lady that always stands up there for 20 minutes crying and talking about something with her kids or maybe something about a bike (I don’t know, I can’t understand her), but I guess it also means I won’t be sharing this faith promoting story next testimony meeting:
Last Tuesday I went to pick up some food at this Thai place. When I pulled up, I turned off the car and tried to pull out the key. It wouldn’t come out. I tried brute force, I tried carefully turning it, but it wouldn’t budge. Next I decided to just go home and figure it out, but then it wouldn’t start either. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to turn the key both ways. I was thinking about how I will have to get a ride home and get it towed and I admit I shouted a lot of words that made the angels sad.
But then after I ran out of swear words, I decided to calm down and say a little prayer to ask for help. Shortly after the prayer I realized that the car was still in drive and that is why it wouldn’t start or let go of the key.
Which reinforced an important principal that I have learned over the years:
God does answer prayers. Sometimes the answer is “yes,” sometimes the answer is “no,” and sometimes the answer is “you’re an idiot.” But He always answers prayers.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
If the church invented a time machine, we wouldn’t have to do work for the dead anymore. We would just go to the temple, take a time machine back, and baptize the people while they were still alive.
I know that would improve my temple attendance.
Also even though the church strictly prohibits changing the past and creating rifts in the space/time continuum, after I baptized Aaliyah, I would tell her not to get on that plane.
And then, if our timeline remained intact, I’d just repent about it later.
It's About Time... Travel
I mean I just want to see what would happen if Hitler had been baptized – and also won the war. But the church wants to deny me that right.
That is why I am voting NO on Proposition ∞
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Deep Doctrine
Deeper Doctrine: The true origin of dinosaurs
Deepest Doctrine: The law of plural dinosaur marriage
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Confession
I personally do not hope to endure all things.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Halloween
So this Halloween, like every Halloween, we will have a special family home evening and make some healthy snacks to eat while we watch Pulp Fiction together as a family.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Because You Have Been Given Much, You Too Must Give
Hello brother and/or sister,
Thank you for visiting my religious blog. If you are having a difficult time understanding some of the posts you are reading, that makes sense. But I would like to invite you to have a couple of young men come visit you at your house and help explain these jokes to you and your family.
If you like rap music, they will also have very special cassette to share with you.
Thank you.
Love, Brother Gatsby (former DL)
Here are some pass-along cards you can print out if that will help:
Friday, October 24, 2008
The Word Of Wisdom
If you read the scriptures carefully, they state that strong drinks ARE “for the washing of your bodies” and that tobacco IS “an herb for bruises and all sick cattle.”
So don’t think that just because you don’t smoke and drink that you are living the Word of Wisdom. When was the last time you bathed with hard liquor? Or rubbed tobacco on your bruises? Or fed it to a sick cow?
If it has been a while, then you are living neither the letter of the law nor the spirit of the law.
A Stupor Of Thought
I mean, have you ever seen the paper the scriptures are printed on??? It is sooooo thin! Seriously, how can they even get paper that thin???
No brothers and sisters, the scriptures are not boring.
They are fascinating!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Mormon Play List
Precedes this one:
You’re Not Alone
And then when you think about how Judge Anderson was always doing magic tricks on Night Court, do you then picture the Stake President doing magic tricks at Church Court and start to laugh?
And then when everybody looks at you, do you have a hard time explaining why Church Court is so funny?
If so, you’re not alone.
(even though right now you’re on your own)
Saturday, October 18, 2008
I Know This Rap Is True
So whenever I want to share the gospel with someone who I know likes rap music, I always give them a copy of my Mormon Rap cassette.
And then if they like that, I explain Kolob to them.
Conference Stories
Like that one story where there was a guy or something and he said something about oceanography. Which is a funny word in and of itself, but then I think there was also a kid involved or maybe it was just a slow adult or something but whoever it was was all “oceanography? I don’t even own an oceanograph.”
And that’s the part where I always start to tear up, because it’s so true.
I know it with every fiber of my being!
Well, at least with 90% of my being fibers, but still...
Repentance
The last time there was a rivalry like that, both Brother Pac and Brother Biggie went inactive, so I am truly sorry.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Utah Mormons
It’s just not right. With the world in the state it is in today, we need to come together and unite. We need to remember that California-Mormons are not any better or worse than Utah Mormons or East Coast-Mormons. Yes, there may be small differences between us, but we actually have more in common than we have differences, if you think about it.
For example, at least we’re not as weird as those Idaho-Mormons.
You know what I’m talking about, California-Mormons!
*High five!*
A Stupor Of Thought
All I know is I am going to strive to be in the Celestial Kingdom, because I do not want to be stuck with dinosaurs for eternity.
Because yeah, they say that at least the dinosaurs won't breed in heaven, but if there's one thing I learned on my mission, it's that (eternal) life always finds a way.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Puns Of Perdition
It would be more tangy than regular mayonnaise, but it would also make you feel more guilty than regular mayonnaise.
Friday, October 3, 2008
LOL Cats General Conference
Saturday, September 27, 2008
No Man Can Serve Two Mary Stuart Mastersons

Puns Of Perdition
Liahona Painting
"Ask it if Ishmael's daughter likes my furry vest."
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The War In Heaven
No, the war in heaven was a war fought with those nuclear accelerator proton guns and small ecto holding traps like they had in the Ghostbusters movies.
Puns Of Perdition
Friday, September 19, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
I don’t think it’s Pig Latin because you can’t even say “Adamic” in Pig Latin.
Which is why I think it is probably some kind of Reformed Pig Latin.
Good Movies
Thursday, September 18, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
But then later it turned out that what I had found was actually just the pyrite plates.
Oh man, I felt like such a fool.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Worth Of Souls
But did you know that the worth of the Beatles’ classic, Rubber Soul is starting at only $5.62 used on Amazon?
That is a great price!
Book Of Mormon Study Guide: The Liahona
Nephi describes the Liahona as “a round ball of curious workmanship.” (1Nephi 16:10)
It may have looked something like this ball of curious workmanship:

He explains that this curious ball had writings on it which would help direct him and his family through the desert and that the writing would change from time to time according to the situation. (1Nephi 16:29)
Here are some examples of what types of writing may have been found on the Liahona:
Lehi inquired as to where to go to find food and through the writing on the Liahona, the Lord directed them go look in the mountains. (1Nephi 24,26,30)
Lehi: Wouldest thou have my son Nephi go forth into the mountains to acquire food?
Liahona:
When they were on the ship, Nephi’s brothers tied him down and beat him up. Because they had been so disobedient, the ball stopped giving them directions and they did not know in which direction to steer the ship. (1Nephi 18:12-13)
Lehi: Should we go North?
Liahona:

And then later, after they had let Nephi go, he tried it again and the outlook was no longer hazy. (1Nephi 18:21)
You see, the truths of the scriptures are plain and if we study them carefully and prayerfully and ponder the meaning of each verse, they are easy to understand - with the exception of the Isaiah stuff, of course.
Seriously, what was up with that guy?
You're Not Alone
And now every time you try to say Liahona, do you have a hard time not saying Lee Iahona?
If so, you are not alone.
(even though right now you’re on your own)
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Eternal Nature Of Spirits
And if any other rock stars in sheep’s clothing ever try to tell you that there is a ghost in a machine, I urge you to pray to know for yourself if it is not just more Amnihoric lies.
Family Home Evening
Family Home Evening doesn’t even need to be on a Monday night to be effective. In fact, it doesn’t have to be in the evening at all. And you don’t need to be home - or with your family, for that matter.
In fact. some of the funnest and most memorable Family Home Evenings I’ve ever had were when I was hanging out at the horse track by myself.
Ten False Spirits
1. The Spirit of Service In Action
2. Folk singer Jewel’s 1998 sophomore effort, Spirit
3. The Dodge Spirit
4. That Lamanite GI Joe character named Spirit
5. The Spirit of ‘76
6. American Spirit cigarettes
7. The animated film Spirit: Stallion of Cimarron
8. The Spirit of Saint Louis
9. The grunge classic, Smells Like Teen Spirit
10. The lemon-lime flavored, caffeine free soft drink, Sprite
Friday, September 5, 2008
One Grand And Five Not-So-Grand Keys
2. However if he be an angel who is trying to be cool, he will offer to bump fists with you instead. If he does so, you must give him "bones" for it is considered impolite in the order of heaven to leave a true messenger hangin’.
3. If you put out your hand and ask him to “slap you some skin” and he does so, you will know he is a spirit of a just man and not the spirit of a jive turkey.
4. If you offer to give him five and he be the spirit of a just man made perfect, he will give you five in all his glory. But he will only give it to you “up high”. If you ask him to give it to you “down low”, he will not do so. For it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to tempt you to pull your hand away and say “too slow Joe”. For if you were to, you would surely earn yourself a place in hell.
5. If it be the devil as an angel of light, he will offer you his finger and ask you to pull it. If you pull his finger, you will not hear anything; you may therefore detect him.
6. If you try to give the messenger any other kind of greeting like bumping elbows, or a chest bump, or any other thing that high school football players do; and he be a true messenger from God, he will probably just fly away because come on, dude...
A Wicked And Unbelieving People
Well, I for one can believe it's not butter. Because if one does truely believe in butter, it is not difficult to recognise a false-butter.
I recently wrote an essay about my humble beliefs and National Public Radio liked it so much they even posted it on their website – you can read it HERE.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
It’s not sacred.
It’s Secret.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
A New TV Series
The Little Mermaid Controversy
Yeah, look closely and see if you can see what people were so offended at…
Yep, that’s right. That spire looks exactly like the pipe organ on the cover of the LDS hymn book…
Anyway, after enough anti-Mormons complained about it, Disney eventually changed the poster.You're Not Alone
And while you are sitting in Sunday School wondering this, does the teacher ever ask you a question, but you weren't paying attention so you don't know what he's talking about?
If so, you are not alone.
(even though right now you're on your own)
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A Stupor Of Thought
Saturday, August 23, 2008
The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants
So is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants also a secret combination?
Because from what I understand, this sisterhood consists of a few different girls who are all different sizes - yet they all share the same pair of pants and the pants magically fit each girl perfectly. Now I've always heard that when it comes to "magic" that there are only two powers in this world: The power of God and the power of the devil.
So my question is, would God really use his power for such a thing? Especially when at least one of the girls is kind of slutty? And I'm pretty sure none of the girls went on missions.
Or do you think it is the power of the devil and he is using these magic pants to lead people astray like Amnihor of old?
Thursday, August 21, 2008
This Is The Place: Fact vs Fiction
But what he really meant was "This is the place where the zoo should be. Just right there, across the street."
And he was right.
He was always right!
Moisture
FACT: Somewhere in a ward building in central Florida this Sunday someone will pray: “We thank thee for the moisture”.
Puns Of Perdition
Puns Of Perdition
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
My Favorite Bible Bad Guy
My favorite of those guys is Amnihor the Farter...

He led many astray with his cunning "pull my finger" deception.
Zenos Chapter 4:
23 - And Rebohamom did reach forth and did pull the finger of Amnihor.
24- And the multitude did hear a sound like unto a trumpet and many of the Israelites did turn from the teachings of their fathers and did fall away in disbelief.
You're Not Alone
If so, you are not alone.
(even though right now you're on your own)
Saturday, August 16, 2008
About Me
WWW.Phelps.com is the website of my favorite southern-states based law firm.
People That Don't Die
1. Nephite #2
2. Cain
3. John The Beloved
4. Nephite #1
5. Nephite #3
6. The Highlander
7. Edward The Vampire
Friday, August 15, 2008
On The Sad Character Of Bigfoot
A prophet said it, so it must be, right? Actually I guess the prophet was quoting from a book by some guy that included a letter from another guy, but still... Do you believe Bigfoot is Cain?
And if so, do you believe the Hendersons sinned in inviting such a son of perdition into their house? Or were they just tricked by the cunning lies of Lucifer?
Also with all the time he has spent roaming the earth, watching us and listening to us, do you think that is how he had learned to imitate a police siren sound so perfectly? Heaven knows he's had enough time to practice. And do you think he has mastered mimicking other sounds? Do you think he can do more sounds than the black guy in the Police Academy movies?
And finally, do you think some people believe that Bigfoot is Kane the professional wrestler?
*and thanks Brother Brooks for the book scan.
Puns of Perdition
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Puns of Perdition
Puns Of Perdition
Religious Not Regis!
But I guess I need to explain upfront that yes, I know that the HTML address says My Regis Blog. But that is a typo. It is supposed to say My Religious Blog. Unfortunately Blogger will not allow me to change the address, so that's what we have to work with. I know this is going to cause some confusion, so I just wanted to address this mistake now.
In order to further clarify...
This blog will deal with things RELIGIOUS:

(credit given to XianJaguar for the Lion Jesus picture)
(and credit given to Gelman for the Regis picture)





And if you know the code, you can even play the game as Moses...


















