Clarification

The natural man is an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19)

The Nature Boy is an enemy to Shawn Michaels. (WrestleMania XXIV)

The Chapel Doors Seem To Say To Me "Shhhhh! Be Still"

Someone really should put some WD40 on them or something, because it's kind of distracting.

Also I think it's time to refill my Risperidone prescription.

You're Not Alone

When you're in church and you hear this hymn:

Does it ever make you think of these people?

And then when you finally do start going back to church six months later, do you find that you still have a hard time forgiving the ward chorister?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now, you're on your own)

A Stupor Of Thought

I just finished writing a 50 page doctrinal essay on Ecclesiastes 5:3.

Bathe Precedes The Miracle

This morning my bath soap appeared to me in the form of Dove.

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Object Lessons

As you know, we don’t generally celebrate Halloween in my house. But this year I had an idea about something we could do as a family that would allow my kids to experience the fun of dressing up but would also allow us an opportunity to share our beliefs with others.

So this year, we are all going to dress up in Liahona costumes…
Then we are going to stand outside on the street and when people come around who are wearing modest and family-oriented costumes, we will point them in the direction of the houses they should go to in order to get the nice big candy bars.

But if a person’s costume is too scary or too slutty, and they ask which direction to go in, we will just shrug our shoulders and not say anything until they go home and change.

Puns Of Perdition

I have an idea for a candy bar that would not only be chewy and delicious, but it would also help you to remember to keep the commandments. It’s called Charleston Chews The Right.

But that name is also very similar to the working title of a 1920s-inspired dance I am developing that would also help you remember to keep the commandments.

A Stupor Of Thought

I have to give a talk next week in Sacrament Meeting about self reliance. But I'm not too stressed out about it because my wife is actually writing it for me.

Puns Of Perdition

If I was going to make a Mormon-themed breakfast cereal, it would be called Thomas B. Marshmallow Mateys.

And it would be especially good with full cream milk.

Baptists At Our BBQ

I thought it was a good idea to invite some Baptists to our barbeque last weekend. But that was before they showed up with their signs and started yelling at us for putting cheese on our burgers and about how the mustard we were using is different than the mustard they use.

Seriously, I’m never inviting those guys again.

Stupor Of Thought

I’ve noticed that there’s not a lot of rappers who are writing raps about the tone and feeling of sacrament meetings. 

I think it’s probably because they are having a hard time finding words that rhyme with “reverence” and "obeisance" and "worshipful".

I know that's where I keep getting stuck. 

Mormon Memorabilia

The most valuable card in my collection. 

When Speaking In Sacrament

It's important when speaking from the pulpit in church, to remember that not every person in attendance may have read or be familiar with all of the stories found in the scriptures. So if you are planning to read or explain a story from any of the standard works, it is probably best to warn the congregation beforehand that your talk/lesson/testimony will include spoilers. 

I have found that something along the lines of "brothers and sisters... SPOILER ALERT!..." has usually worked well for me in the past.

Unless of course you'd prefer to be like that sister who spoke last Sunday who totally spoiled the end of the Noah story for me. 

Because seriously. Thanks a lot, lady!

You're Not Alone

When you're watching conference and they say that the next speaker is going to be Dallin H. Oaks, do you ever misunderstand and think they said Hall & H. Oates? And then do you have a hard time paying attention during the hymn because you are picturing the next talk looking something like this...

And then when the hymn ends and the speaker does get up, are you ever just a little disappointed?

If so, you're not alone. 

(even though right now, you're on your own) 

Clarification

I am white. 

But I'm not delightsome. 

Mormon Wrestling

My favorite Mormon wrestler is the Ultimate Saturday's Warrior. 

Plain And Precious Truths

The scriptures teach that over time, many of the plain and precious truths were lost from the Bible (see 1Nephi:13). But luckily, modern day revelation has restored many of those lost scriptures - like Jeremiah’s prophecy about the Pogo Ball…

14. I saw a flat pedestal with two large round stones affixed to either side.

15. Upon this pedestal I did see a fifth grader who was using it to jump up and down.

16. And it came to pass that that kid did not have any friends. Yea verily, he was known in the land as kind of a dingleberry.

(that’s a scripture I found particularly easy to liken unto myself when I was a youth)

A New TV Series

If you have always wanted programming that would seamlessly combine the faith and sacrifice of the early saints as they crossed the plains with the fast paced action of martial arts and Western justice, then you’re gonna love the new TV show I am developing for KBYU called Pioneer Children Sang As They Walker Texas Ranger.

Classic Mormon Vaudeville Routine

Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Costello: That's what I’m asking you.
Elder Abbott: Well I just told you.
Elder Costello: You just told me what?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Costello: Well then, Who is On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Abbott: Naturally.
Elder Costello: Just tell me Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Abbott: That’s right.
Elder Costello: What’s right?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who!
Elder Costello: THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!

(General Conference was a lot funnier back in those days)  

If I Could Hie To Kolob, I Would Choose Not To

The gospel teaches that we are supposed to live in the world but not of the world. Which is why I have chosen not to pursue a career as an astronaut. 

Because even though astronauts don't have to move to outer space permanently, I would still want to at least avoid the appearance of evil. 

Hosanna Shouting / Righteous Anger

No Priesthood holder should ever raise his voice and shout at his wife or children. Unless of course, it's a Hosanna Shout. 

I Hosanna Shout at my family all the time. 

It's a good way to let them know you mean business - and yet still set an example. 

The Book Of Abraham Facsimiles

The Book of Abraham facsimiles found in the Pearl of Great Price are probably the one thing most responsible for my testimony today. Because did you know that those facsimiles were released in 1835?

 

That is over one hundred years before the fax machine was even invented!

 

That’s right Antis, read it and weep!!!!

Teaching: No Greater Call

I know, I know... 

But there is way too much politics in the CTR 6 program!

You're Not Alone

Have you ever gone to someone’s house and they have a sign at the door that says “Take off your shoes”, but you thought it said “dust off your shoes”? So then you obliged them and inadvertently did so as a testimony against them?

And then when you realized your mistake, did you bring them a plate of cookies the next day – even though you know that’s not going to mean much when the judgement is upon them?

If so, you’re not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

Thank Thee For The Moisture

Can you believe how much moisture we've been receiving lately here in Utah? It was pouring down so much moisture this morning that it reminded me of what it must have been like back in Noah's time, when it was moist for 40 days and 40 nights. 

And not only that, but we even had the humidifier on in the house last night. Not to mention the fact that I put on some lotion after taking a shower today. 

So so - so much moisture to be thankful for. 

Moisture!

Testimony Lost And Found

Many people think that because I run a religious blog that inspires the faith of millions of people every day, that I never have a problem with my own faith. But the truth is, a few years back, I went through a dark period where I had lost my testimony for a while.

But then the next day when the power came back on, I found it again. 

(It had fallen behind the night stand)  

LDSploitation

After the success of the Mormon video game I told you about last week, it looks like all the other gaming companies are jumping on the bandwagon and putting out their own new games geared towards a Mormon audience... 

A Stupor Of Thought

I know that looking at pictures of immodest women on the internet is against the Law Of Chastity, but in the case that one is looking at pictures of Tila Tequila, is that also against the Word Of Wisdom?

Mormon Video Game

The first video game to be based on church history...

And if you know the code, you can even play the game as Moses...

Praydar

I can tell a man who prays just by looking at him. 

(especially if he is praying when I look at him)

New Autobiography

Look, I don't mind hearing his music now and then on the radio, but I cannot read a Seal book!

Pranks At Church

One time I was on an airplane and the old man sitting next to me started telling me about the church, but because I was raised in the church and already knew what he was talking about, I decided to mess with him a little.

So I told him my name was Mick Jagger and that I wrote sinister rock and roll music with the sole intent of encouraging young people to fornicate.

Oh man, you should have seen that old guy's face!

Sale This Week

You normally pay as much as ten or twelve dollars for a box this size, but right now they're on sale for only a birthright.

And that's a great deal!

(and thus Matsby despised his birthright)

Retraction

So the Bishopric came by the house last night to visit me. And this is kind of embarrassing, but... um... I guess I misunderstood that whole thing about having my calling and election made sure. 

Anyway, I guess I am also going to have to apologize to all the ward members I called "suckers" Sunday as I was jumping up and down running out of Sacrament Meeting on my way to IHOP. 

And I guess I owe that girl at IHOP a tip after all. 

A Church Story

So yesterday something kind of interesting happened in Sacrament Meeting…

I had my calling and election made sure.

Oh and then guess what happened during Elders Quorum?

Just kidding! Why would I go to Elders Quorum? I just had my CALLING. AND. ELECTION. MADE. SURE!!!!

Blessing Arithmetic

Last night I decided to count my blessings and I ended up with 52.

 

But I forgot to name them one by one as I was doing it, so I may have counted some of them more than once.   

Puns Of Perdition

Whenever I make breaded boneless chicken strips, I try to use them as an opportunity to share the gospel, so I call them Chicken Tender Mercies and I tell people that the secret ingredient is faith. 

Even though it's really cornmeal. 

New Drink

It may not be extreme, but it is cold!

New Name

I just wanted to give you all a heads-up, so you’re not completely confused when it happens: I have decided to change my on-line name from Gatsby to Matsby.

Now I understand it’s going to be strange since you are used to calling me Gatsby – just like I imagine it was strange at first for the people who followed Abram's papyrus blog when he changed his user name to Abraham.

But you’ll get use to it and I believe that we may even end up better off in the end because of it.

Your friend in the Schroedernacle,

Brother Matsby (former DL)

The Late Morning Of The First Resurrection

I hope to be resurrected in the Morning of the First Resurrection.

But I hope it's later in the morning.

Because I'm really more of a night person.

The Revelation Will Be Televised

It’s General Conference time again and they’re calling another new apostle. And I’ve been getting kind of nervous because I get the feeling it might be me.

In case it is, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of apostle name I should use…

Do you think I should go by first initial – middle name – last name (like N. Eldon Tanner)?

Or first name – middle initial – last name (like Bruce R McConkie)?

Or try something totally new and do first initial - middle initial – lastname?

Or is that against church policy?

Is that why H.R. Puffinstuff was never called to be a G.A.???

Ugh… I’m so nervous I can’t even concentrate!

Matching Set

Because there's nothing more annoying than when your wife uses your hymn book.

Seeking Riches

The scriptures teach that you are not supposed to seek after riches – but instead, you should seek after the kingdom of heaven and then the riches will follow. Which is why recently I have been going to all my meetings and trying to be as humble and charitable as I can.

In fact, my faith is so strong in this holy promise that I have already started planning all the ATVs and jet skies I am going to buy when the cash finally does start to flow.

Not to mention all of the enemies whom I will destroy with that money and influence.

My Kid Helped Me Write Today's Post

Actual notes taken by my five year old in church yesterday...

Which teaches a very important lesson:

No matter what your age (five, twenty five, even forty five), we are all thinking about the same thing when there are guest speakers from the stake.

Jack Of All Hymns

Most people know all the words to a few select hymns. But I know the first line of many different hymns.

Puns of Perdition

I think a good advertising mascot for a Mormon bakery would be a cartoon character named Bruce R. McCookie.

And even though he said some things about the brownies that he claimed were doctrine, that we found out later were just his own speculation, well…

That doesn’t make him any less delicious!

A New Service I Am Offering

You know that talk you are dreading having to give in sacrament meeting? You know that part of your calling you just can’t stand doing? You know how you feel like a jerk when month after month you report that you didn’t do your Home Teaching? When it comes to your church responsibilities, do you ever think to yourself “I wish I could just pay someone to _________”?

Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.

And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.

Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:

A Parable

Do you like parables? I like parables. I don’t always remember all of the details of the story - which is fine because often when we hear parables in talks they are different each time anyway. As long as we remember the lessons being taught, which is really the point of the parable after all, isn’t it? So anyway today I thought I would share with you one of my favorite parables in case you want to print it out and share it in sacrament meeting:

One time there was a guy in the mountains. Or maybe it was a young man. Like an Indian kid or maybe it was a lady. Anyway, they were outside and in a rural setting. Maybe in a mountain or by a river. Or was it at a park in the city?

The point is she was outside and heard a little voice say “hello” and he looked around and saw lizard – or it could have been a snake. Or a rat. But either way, it had developed human speech and learned a rudimentary form of English. And it said “pick me up” and the Indian boy was like “no, you are a rattle snake. You will bite me if I pick you up” Or maybe it was a scorpion and the kid said, “you will sting me…” Or maybe it was an eradiated rock.

But the rat was like “no, I won’t. I am a nice scorpion, now give me a kiss and I will grant you three wishes” and the girl didn’t want to, but the lizard convinced her to eventually, so the man put it in his pocket and carried it down the rocky cliff and when he got to the bottom of the cave, she took the sharp toothed marsupial out of her knapsack and it immediately sunk its teeth into her fleshy calf muscles.

So the old lady looks down at the badger and says “you said you weren’t going to shoot me.” And the magic rock says “look Poindexter, you knew what I was when you picked me up” And the boy was like “well what about my three wishes?” and the rat said “nah. I changed my mind about that” and then it slithered off and left Brer Bear to bleed to death.

The moral of this story is that sometimes sin can feel good - in fact depending on what sin we are talking about, sometimes it can feel REALLY good. But in the end, you will go to hell if you are nice to the little jungle creatures.

Also I think the boy’s last words were “it mattered to that one” because the poison had reached his brain and he had become delusional.

A Movie Pitch

God's Army 3: The Curious Case of Elder Button

About a missionary who starts his mission as a well-seasoned and experienced A.P., but leaves the mission as a greenie.

Give me a call, Dutcher!

The Curious Case Of Infant Baptism

I know that unlike some religions, the Mormon church does not believe in infant baptism.

But I am confused about when Benjamin Button should be baptized. Since he was born old, would it be okay to baptize him when he was a baby? Or do you need to wait until he is 8 years old? Because that could be almost 80 years from now!

I asked my bishop, but he acted all weird, like I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s such an isolated case. But it’s not that isolated! Because remember when Mork and Mindy had a baby? He was also born old and got young (which from what I understand is the case with all Orkins).

So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to write church headquarters for an answer.

Pranks At Church

Sometimes pranks at church can be funny.

Like one time in my old ward, I started messing around with my Ward Clerk and one week I paid my month’s tithing in pennies.

So then each week, when he was going around counting people during sacrament meeting, when he got to me, he would start counting audibly and was like "eighty, eighty one, eighty two, (points at me) eighty two and A HALF..."

So then one week I changed the program so instead of saying he was the ward clerk, it said he was the ward jerk.

So then one week he transferred my records to some ward in Idaho.

So the next week I put a whoopee cushion on his chair in Elder’s Quorum.

But then the next week we found out he had been stealing the ward’s tithing money and he was probably going to get excommunicated.

I didn’t quite get that last one, but it just goes to show that sometimes pranks at church can go too far.

Puns Of Perdition

I am writing a movie about a werewolf who joins the church after reading the Book of Mormon.

It's called Lycan The Scriptures.

Putting The "RAD" In Traditional Values

Have you heard about the church’s new youth initiative called A Brand New Year? It is basically a rebranding of the existing youth program with a different (“fresh”) approach at connecting with the youth.

Now I appreciate the leadership’s willingness to try something new and reach out to our young men and women in a new way, but I do think their rebranding of Moroni’s image just feels like they are trying a little too hard…

On the other hand, he does look pretty awesome.

Deep Doctrine

The scriptures teach that there are many different worlds out there that are populated by our spirit brothers and sisters. So when I hear people argue about if there is or isn’t life in outer space, I have to laugh. Because we know that there is.

But that doesn't mean we believe that aliens are little green men, like you see on TV, who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

No, we know that they are human beings who look just like you and me (also created in His image) who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

Stories From My Mission (part five)

One time my companion and I met this kid in the park who was always drawing pictures of people in his sketchbook. He explained to us that he didn’t draw people the way they are, but the tried to draw them the way they “could be”.

Which I think was just an excuse for being a bad artist.

Either that or he actually thinks I “could be” a guy with a lopsided face and an eye on my cheek.

The Epistle Of Simon To James

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the epistle that Simon wrote to James:

"Thou art guilty of vanity. Yea insomuch that ye believeth in thine heart that this scripture pertaineth unto you."

- Simon 19:72

Ideal Meeting Time

Some people think the best meeting block is from 9:00 – 12:00 because they like to take a nap after church.

Other people think the best meeting block is from 11:00 – 2:00 because they like to sleep in on Sunday morning.

But I think the ideal meeting time would be 11:30 – 12:00 because seriously…

Church Policy

I agree with the church's policy about not allowing props during sacrament meeting talks. But the thing is, if a ventriloquist dummy is going to be considered a "prop", then I think they need to make that clear when they extend the call in the first place.

Because my talk last Sunday didn't make any sense without the help of Brother Woodrow P. Woodruff.

For Further Reading...

If you would like to learn more about the Atonement, the Topical Guide is a good place to start.

And if you would like to learn more about black and pink emo pants, the Hot Topical Guide is a also helpful.

A Stupor Of Thought

Remember when those guys built the Tower of Babel and they all had their languages changed so they all had to speak a different language?

If that ever happens again, I hope I am the lucky one who gets to keep English as my language. Because I didn’t do very well in my Junior High Spanish class.

Plus all my DVDs and comicbooks are in English.

Mormons On TV

I am so tired of Mormons going on reality TV shows and acting in ways that do not best represent our beliefs or our culture.

Like have you seen this Mormon kid on the new season of The Real World?

In the very first episode, he finds out that one of his roommates is from Missouri, and he just continues on being friendly to her like it was nothing.

As if he forgot that whole part of our history and how the Missourians treated our people.

Biblical Pranks

I was thinking about what it would have been like to have lived back in the days of the Tower of Babel, when the Lord got mad and made everyone speak different languages.

And I was thinking how if I was friends with the brother of Jared and I was one of the people who did not have my language confounded, every morning when I got up and he said good morning to me, I would pretend I was speaking a different language.

Like one morning I would say something like “Buenos dias, hombre. ¿Como esta?” and the next morning I would say “Gutten tag, mien freund”.

And each time, he would be scared and think I had had my language confounded, but then I’d be all “nah man, I’m just goofing with ya.”

And that’s just an example of how my good humor would help to make the journey to the city of Moriancumer just a little more enjoyable for everybody who had to share a barge with me.

I Can’t Wait To Live The Law Of Consecration

Because then if I’m thirsty and I go to get a Slurpee and the guy at the counter is saying I need to give him $1.35 or whatever, I can just say “Hey! Law of consecration, remember?” and he’ll just let me have it without having to pay.

And then I’ll be able to use that money for some of that new Millennium flavored Laffy Taffy.

Saints And MMORPG Soldiers

The other day I was soloing on World of Warcraft when I ran into this Tauren Hunter in the woods just south of Ironforge. Near the end of the duel, as I found myself frozen in place by his ice trap, just one hit away from him killing me, he stopped. He stopped because he realized it was me - the missionary who had taught and baptized him all those years ago (years before World of Warcraft even existed).

So even though we were on two different sides (I was using my Draenei Warrior), we had a bond that was so strong that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do what we were supposed to do. So instead of fighting, our avatars embraced and he ended up letting me go.

When I thanked him for saving my life that day, he insisted that in fact I had saved his life ten years ago when my companion and I knocked on his door and shared the gospel with his family.

So I guess we were even – which was good because then a couple days later I ran into him again while I was logged in with my Dwarf Rogue. And that time, I didn’t let him know it was me because I really needed to kill his Tauren for the honor points.

Biblical Pranks

If I lived back in the Biblical days, I would have changed my name to Begat. And then I would have named my kid Begat and encouraged him to name his kid Begat. So that when the guys who write the Brass Plates were writing out my lineage, they would have to write something like:

“And Bob begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat”

Then every time people read the scriptures, they would remember me as the guy who was always messing with the guys who wrote the brass plates.

10 People Who Have Joined The Church After They Died

Although it is impossible to know for sure, it is generally accepted among the saints that these people, after having missed the opportunity to join the church in this life, have done so in the spirit world.

1. Christopher Columbus
2. Martin Luther
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. George Washington
5. The guy that said he can’t read a sealed book
6. C.S. Lewis
7. Mother Theresa
8. Pac
9. Aaliyah
10. Ricky Schroeder

Stories From My Mission (part four)

One time on my mission, there were some people who were going around distributing anti-Mormon literature. So I printed up some anti-anti-Mormon literature and started passing that out.

I guess that must have made them pretty mad because a couple days later, they were handing out anti-anti-anti-Mormon literature.

So of course, I made some anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature and they responded with some anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature.

So then I started distributing some PRO-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature. And they weren’t paying attention, so they just followed the pattern we had established and they put out some anti-pro-anti-anti-anti-anti-anti Mormon literature – which if you think about it, is the same as pro-Mormon literature.

When they realized what they had done, they were so ashamed that they skipped town and we never heard from them again.

It was awesome.

Remembering The True Spirit Of Christmas

You know, sometimes it is easy to find ourselves getting caught up in the commercial aspects of the season and focusing our time thinking and even worrying about what we are going to be getting for Christmas. But it is important that we teach our children, that the true spirit of Christmas is not in the receiving, but in the giving.

So this year as we approach that very special day, I’m trying not to be concerned with what I am going to be GETTING – but rather with what others are going to be GIVING me.

Because I have been dropping some hints.

And it looks like this is going to be the best Christmas ever!

The Lost Post

Some of you may have seen that post I put up on this blog the other day and then noticed the next day that it had been removed – and you’re probably wondering what’s going on with that.

Well, it was actually a post that I really liked but I deleted it totally by accident. And the thing is, I’m not going to try to rewrite it, because unfortunately there are enemies of this blog out there who have probably already made a copy of the original post - and if I do rewrite it, they will alter the original and claim that it is different from the new post in an effort to discredit me.

So yeah. Sorry if you missed it.

Samaritan Quality Check

It's nice to be a Good Samaritan.

But I personally strive to be a Great Samaritan.

Stake Conference

Stake Conference is an incredible opportunity for all of the members in the same area to gather together under one roof to hear the Stake presidency teach and exhort us.

But the thing is, if your kid starts screaming and crying, it’s probably best for you to take them home so they don’t disturb all the other people who are trying to listen.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I don’t think it’s an unpardonable sin to discretely pinch your kid to make him start crying.

And sometimes I think that is one of the best reasons to have kids.

The Fullness Of Time

1000 years on earth is equal to one day in heaven.

(I learned that from reading Abraham 3:4)

Two hours in Stake Conference is equal to about 15 hours outside of Stake Conference.

(I learned that from accidentally going to Stake Conference once)

Stories From My Mission (part three)

There was an Elder on my mission who got sent home early because he would put ether on a rag and hold it over his companion’s nose and mouth until he passed out. And then the companion would wake up at like noon the next day and not know what had happened.

Sometimes I wished he had been my companion, because I really hated having to get up early.

A Sad Story

One year in Young Men's the theme was “remember who you are.”

Towards the end of the year, Justin Myers got into and accident and ended up with amnesia. It was a really trying time for his family and every week at church, you could see that his mom had been crying.

And it's sad because all of her suffering could have been avoided if only Justin had followed the council of our inspired leaders.

Foot Prints

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. As we walked, many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was only one.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat; I could see only one set of footprints.

But then I remembered that just because there weren’t extra foot prints didn’t mean He wasn’t there with me. I mean, because he can totally float in the air if He wants to, right?

Anyway, after that I dreamed I was naked and on a little raft and I was surrounded by sharks.

This bothered me because I am scared of sharks.

And I didn’t want anyone to see me naked.

Then I woke up.

Stories From My Mission (part two)

One time these sister missionaries from my mission tracted into this guy’s house and he didn’t kill them.

Then a week later, the police arrested the guy for being a serial killer. When they asked him why he hadn’t killed the sister missionaries that week prior, he said it was because there were three big Indians watching him from across the street.

But the amazing part of that story is that the Indian family who lived across the street had moved out two years earlier.

And there was now a Pakistani family that lived there.

A Stupor Of Thought

I think most people learn humility after two years of full time missionary service, but did you know that in the Bangkok mission, they learn it after only one night?

Brigham Young Quote

One time I heard a Brigham Young quote where he was saying that every single young man over the age of twenty five should see Menace II Society.

That's why I can't understand anyone doubting that Brother Brigham was a prophet. That movie came out 116 years after he died and not only did he know its gritty portrayal of urban life would be very influential on our modern Mormon culture, but he also knew it would not be appropriate for children to watch.

And he was right.

He was always right.

A Stupor Of Thought

If a person who is living accepts the gospel, we baptise them the normal way.

And if a person who is dead accepts the gospel, we baptise them by proxy.

But I never could figure out how we would baptise a Nazgûl (who is "neither living nor dead"), if he were to accept the gospel.

Because the thing is, I taught a couple Nazgûl families on my mission, but none of them progressed very far in the discussions. So I never did find out.

The Pride Cycle

I guess I would have to say my favorite stage of the Pride Cycle is the stage where I am rich and prosperous.

You're Not Alone

When you hear them talking about the Pride Cycle in church, do you ever get confused because you think maybe they are talking about a specialized automobile that Pride Man keeps parked in his Pride Cave next to his Pride Mobile and his Pride Copter?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now you're on your own)

Articles Of Faith

We believe that all men will be punished for their own sins.

Like you know those two twins in GI Joe where if one of them got hurt, the other one would feel it?

Yeah, we don't believe that is right.

Stories From My Mission (part one)

One day a couple of sister missionaries in my district ran out of water and they didn’t want to go buy more water because it was Sunday. So they decided to fill a pitcher up with gasoline and prayed that the gas would be changed into water.

After they prayed, they smelled it and it didn’t smell quite as strong as it had before, so they drank it.

But it turns out that they only had enough faith to turn half of the gas into water.

And one of the sisters had to get her stomach pumped.

My Favorite Bible Parable

One of my favorite stories in the scriptures is when Neil the Younger taught the ancient Israelites the parable of the needle and the damage done.

Puns Of Perdition

You know what would be good to have Miracle Whip of Forgiveness on?

A Marvelous Pork and a Wonder Bread

Frequently Asked Questions About My Beliefs

Word of Wisdom FAQ:

Q. Is it okay to drink wine like they did in the Bible days?

A. That’s a complicated question. You see there were two different kinds of wine back in Biblical times: New Wine (which is basically grape juice) and Old Wine (which has been allowed to ferment).

It is okay to drink New Wine (juice box), but Old Wine (alcoholic) is an abomination to the Lord.

Good Musical Taste FAQ:

Q. Is it okay to listen to the song Red Red Wine?

A. That is also a complicated question. You see there are three main versions of the song Red Red Wine: Old Red Red Wine (written and recorded by 70s crooner Neil Diamond), Good Red Red Wine (cover by Jamaican singer Tony Tribe), and New Red Red Wine (as performed by faux-Jamaican cover-artists UB40).

It is okay to listen to Good Red Red Wine (rocksteady version). But Old Red Red Wine (soft rock) is generally frowned upon and New Red Red Wine (UB40 tripe) is an abomination to my ears.

A True Story

A guy from the stake presidency came and told us to remember not to tell stories or give sermons on Fast Sunday when you are supposed to be bearing a testimony.

And I know that it is mostly because of that little Mexican lady that always stands up there for 20 minutes crying and talking about something with her kids or maybe something about a bike (I don’t know, I can’t understand her), but I guess it also means I won’t be sharing this faith promoting story next testimony meeting:

Last Tuesday I went to pick up some food at this Thai place. When I pulled up, I turned off the car and tried to pull out the key. It wouldn’t come out. I tried brute force, I tried carefully turning it, but it wouldn’t budge. Next I decided to just go home and figure it out, but then it wouldn’t start either. I sat there for 10 minutes trying to turn the key both ways. I was thinking about how I will have to get a ride home and get it towed and I admit I shouted a lot of words that made the angels sad.

But then after I ran out of swear words, I decided to calm down and say a little prayer to ask for help. Shortly after the prayer I realized that the car was still in drive and that is why it wouldn’t start or let go of the key.

Which reinforced an important principal that I have learned over the years:

God does answer prayers. Sometimes the answer is “yes,” sometimes the answer is “no,” and sometimes the answer is “you’re an idiot.” But He always answers prayers.

A Stupor Of Thought

The other day I was pondering the great wonders of the gospel and something came to me:

If the church invented a time machine, we wouldn’t have to do work for the dead anymore. We would just go to the temple, take a time machine back, and baptize the people while they were still alive.

I know that would improve my temple attendance.

Also even though the church strictly prohibits changing the past and creating rifts in the space/time continuum, after I baptized Aaliyah, I would tell her not to get on that plane.

And then, if our timeline remained intact, I’d just repent about it later.

It's About Time... Travel

Look, I understand why the church would take a moral stand about creating temporal paradoxes that would unravel the very fabric of time, but the thing is, I feel like they shouldn’t be so controlling of my personal life when I do chrono-jump.

I mean I just want to see what would happen if Hitler had been baptized – and also won the war. But the church wants to deny me that right.

That is why I am voting NO on Proposition ∞

Deep Doctrine

Deep Doctrine: The law of plural marriage

Deeper Doctrine: The true origin of dinosaurs

Deepest Doctrine: The law of plural dinosaur marriage

Pioneer Children Sang As They Walked

I bet that got annoying pretty fast for the pioneer adults.

Confession

I know we are not supposed to go against the teachings of the church or voice our dissenting opinions, but I have a confession:

I personally do not hope to endure all things.

Halloween

In my house we don’t celebrate Halloween. I don’t think its focus on evil, death and gluttony is appropriate for children who we are trying to raise in the gospel.

So this Halloween, like every Halloween, we will have a special family home evening and make some healthy snacks to eat while we watch Pulp Fiction together as a family.

Because You Have Been Given Much, You Too Must Give

I guess I have just been feeling the missionary spirit a lot lately, but I have been thinking about it and I would like to urge you to share My Religious Blog with your non-member friends. If you are hesitant to approach them with something gospel related, just give them the link and tell them it is a blog about Regis Philbin. No matter how you get them here, when they do come here, I would like them to read the message below:

Hello brother and/or sister,

Thank you for visiting my religious blog. If you are having a difficult time understanding some of the posts you are reading, that makes sense. But I would like to invite you to have a couple of young men come visit you at your house and help explain these jokes to you and your family.

If you like rap music, they will also have very special cassette to share with you.

Thank you.

Love, Brother Gatsby (former DL)

Here are some pass-along cards you can print out if that will help:

The Word Of Wisdom

It really bothers me when people pick and choose which scriptures to follow. For example, the Word of Wisdom. It is more than just list of things you should avoid putting in your body - rather it is a law of health that should be followed in its entirety.

If you read the scriptures carefully, they state that strong drinks ARE “for the washing of your bodies” and that tobacco IS “an herb for bruises and all sick cattle.”

So don’t think that just because you don’t smoke and drink that you are living the Word of Wisdom. When was the last time you bathed with hard liquor? Or rubbed tobacco on your bruises? Or fed it to a sick cow?

If it has been a while, then you are living neither the letter of the law nor the spirit of the law.

A Stupor Of Thought

When I was a little kid I used to think the scriptures were boring, but as I’ve gotten older, I have definitely changed my mind.

I mean, have you ever seen the paper the scriptures are printed on??? It is sooooo thin! Seriously, how can they even get paper that thin???

No brothers and sisters, the scriptures are not boring.

They are fascinating!

Mormon Play List

Whenever I am choosing the order in which to play music at a party, I always make sure this album: Precedes this one:

You’re Not Alone

When you hear people talk about Church Court, do you always get confused and think they are talking about that TV show Night Court?

And then when you think about how Judge Anderson was always doing magic tricks on Night Court, do you then picture the Stake President doing magic tricks at Church Court and start to laugh?

And then when everybody looks at you, do you have a hard time explaining why Church Court is so funny?

If so, you’re not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

I Know This Rap Is True

I learned on my mission that when trying to share the gospel, it helps to build on common beliefs.

So whenever I want to share the gospel with someone who I know likes rap music, I always give them a copy of my Mormon Rap cassette.

And then if they like that, I explain Kolob to them.

Conference Stories

I love when they tell funny stories in conference. Because they teach an important principal, but the humorous antidote helps you to remember that principal.

Like that one story where there was a guy or something and he said something about oceanography. Which is a funny word in and of itself, but then I think there was also a kid involved or maybe it was just a slow adult or something but whoever it was was all “oceanography? I don’t even own an oceanograph.”

And that’s the part where I always start to tear up, because it’s so true.

I know it with every fiber of my being!

Well, at least with 90% of my being fibers, but still...

Repentance

I would like to apologize if I offended anybody with my last post about Utah-Mormons. I would feel really bad if I was responsible for any angry feelings or rivalry between East Coast-Mormons and West Coast-Mormons.

The last time there was a rivalry like that, both Brother Pac and Brother Biggie went inactive, so I am truly sorry.

Utah Mormons

I hate when I hear little comments and stereotypes that reveal an animosity between “Utah-Mormons” and “California-Mormons” and even “East Coast-Mormons”.

It’s just not right. With the world in the state it is in today, we need to come together and unite. We need to remember that California-Mormons are not any better or worse than Utah Mormons or East Coast-Mormons. Yes, there may be small differences between us, but we actually have more in common than we have differences, if you think about it.

For example, at least we’re not as weird as those Idaho-Mormons.

You know what I’m talking about, California-Mormons!

*High five!*

A Stupor Of Thought

I know that Celestial Kindom is the highest degree of glory, but I can never remember which order the Telesitial and the Terrestrial go in. Which one is the moon and which one is the stars? And which one is the one with dinosaurs on it? Or am I thinking of the Triassic Kingdom?

All I know is I am going to strive to be in the Celestial Kingdom, because I do not want to be stuck with dinosaurs for eternity.

Because yeah, they say that at least the dinosaurs won't breed in heaven, but if there's one thing I learned on my mission, it's that (eternal) life always finds a way.

Puns Of Perdition

I have an idea for a new sandwich spread for Mormons. It's called The Miracle Whip Of Forgiveness.

It would be more tangy than regular mayonnaise, but it would also make you feel more guilty than regular mayonnaise.

LOL Cats General Conference

*Sorry. My LOL Cats accent is pretty rusty. I haven't had many opportunities to practice it since my mission.

No Man Can Serve Two Mary Stuart Mastersons

Because either he will hate Bed Of Roses and love Some Kind Of Wonderful, or be loyal to Fried Green Tomatoes and despise Benny And Joon.

Puns Of Perdition

I am thinking of starting a satelite TV network here in Utah.

It would be called Tight Like Unto A Dish Network and it wouldn't have Showtime or HBO.

Liahona Painting

I guess Arnold Friberg must have read the Liahona Study Guide...


"Ask it if Ishmael's daughter likes my furry vest."

The War In Heaven

I always heard about the war in heaven when I was growing up and I always wondered how spirits could fight each other when they can’t be hurt by bullets or knives. And so it wasn’t until recently that I realized that the war amongst the spirits was not a war like we know war – with bombs and tanks.

No, the war in heaven was a war fought with those nuclear accelerator proton guns and small ecto holding traps like they had in the Ghostbusters movies.

Puns Of Perdition

If I was going to open a Mormon themed balloon store, I would call it The Armies Of Helium.

A Stupor Of Thought

I wonder what language the Adamic Language is.

I don’t think it’s Pig Latin because you can’t even say “Adamic” in Pig Latin.

Which is why I think it is probably some kind of Reformed Pig Latin.

Good Movies

Saturday Night Fever is a special movie. It's the movie we watch when we're getting ready to watch Any Given Sunday.

A Stupor Of Thought

One time I got really excited because I thought I had found the gold plates.

But then later it turned out that what I had found was actually just the pyrite plates.

Oh man, I felt like such a fool.

The Worth Of Souls

We all know that the worth of souls is great.

But did you know that the worth of the Beatles’ classic, Rubber Soul is starting at only $5.62 used on Amazon?

That is a great price!

Book Of Mormon Study Guide: The Liahona

A lot of people over the years have wondered about what exactly the Liahona was, what it looked like, and how it worked. Well, if you read the scriptures carefully, it is actually not as mysterious as you might think. Below I have noted the facts we have about the Liahona from the Book Of Mormon, along with explanations and artist’s interpretations that might help you understand what it may have looked like:

Nephi describes the Liahona as “a round ball of curious workmanship.” (1Nephi 16:10)

It may have looked something like this ball of curious workmanship:


He explains that this curious ball had writings on it which would help direct him and his family through the desert and that the writing would change from time to time according to the situation. (1Nephi 16:29)

Here are some examples of what types of writing may have been found on the Liahona:


Lehi inquired as to where to go to find food and through the writing on the Liahona, the Lord directed them go look in the mountains. (1Nephi 24,26,30)

Lehi: Wouldest thou have my son Nephi go forth into the mountains to acquire food?

Liahona:

When they were on the ship, Nephi’s brothers tied him down and beat him up. Because they had been so disobedient, the ball stopped giving them directions and they did not know in which direction to steer the ship. (1Nephi 18:12-13)

Lehi: Should we go North?

Liahona:

And then later, after they had let Nephi go, he tried it again and the outlook was no longer hazy. (1Nephi 18:21)

You see, the truths of the scriptures are plain and if we study them carefully and prayerfully and ponder the meaning of each verse, they are easy to understand - with the exception of the Isaiah stuff, of course.

Seriously, what was up with that guy?

You're Not Alone

When you were a kid, growing up in the 80s, did you often hear the name Lee Iacocca on the news?

And now every time you try to say Liahona, do you have a hard time not saying Lee Iahona?

If so, you are not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

The Eternal Nature Of Spirits

It troubles me that so many lies and falsehoods are being preached in the land and I would like to clear up a certain point of doctrine right now, in case some of you have been fooled by the lies: Despite the false teachings of the prog-rock band RUSH, it is not true that radio has a spirit.

And if any other rock stars in sheep’s clothing ever try to tell you that there is a ghost in a machine, I urge you to pray to know for yourself if it is not just more Amnihoric lies.

Family Home Evening

Too many people make excuses for why their family is not having a regular Family Home Evening. But the thing is, it doesn’t need to be a long, structured, spiritual meeting that you have to plan for.

Family Home Evening doesn’t even need to be on a Monday night to be effective. In fact, it doesn’t have to be in the evening at all. And you don’t need to be home - or with your family, for that matter.

In fact. some of the funnest and most memorable Family Home Evenings I’ve ever had were when I was hanging out at the horse track by myself.

Ten False Spirits

D&C 123:12 warns us of the danger of “false spirits”, but a lot of people don’t even know what a false spirit is. That is why I have compiled this list of ten examples - as a convenient guide of what to avoid:

1. The Spirit of Service In Action
2. Folk singer Jewel’s 1998 sophomore effort, Spirit
3. The Dodge Spirit
4. That Lamanite GI Joe character named Spirit
5. The Spirit of ‘76
6. American Spirit cigarettes
7. The animated film Spirit: Stallion of Cimarron
8. The Spirit of Saint Louis
9. The grunge classic, Smells Like Teen Spirit
10. The lemon-lime flavored, caffeine free soft drink, Sprite

One Grand And Five Not-So-Grand Keys

1. When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you. If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand.

2. However if he be an angel who is trying to be cool, he will offer to bump fists with you instead. If he does so, you must give him "bones" for it is considered impolite in the order of heaven to leave a true messenger hangin’.

3. If you put out your hand and ask him to “slap you some skin” and he does so, you will know he is a spirit of a just man and not the spirit of a jive turkey.

4. If you offer to give him five and he be the spirit of a just man made perfect, he will give you five in all his glory. But he will only give it to you “up high”. If you ask him to give it to you “down low”, he will not do so. For it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to tempt you to pull your hand away and say “too slow Joe”. For if you were to, you would surely earn yourself a place in hell.

5. If it be the devil as an angel of light, he will offer you his finger and ask you to pull it. If you pull his finger, you will not hear anything; you may therefore detect him.

6. If you try to give the messenger any other kind of greeting like bumping elbows, or a chest bump, or any other thing that high school football players do; and he be a true messenger from God, he will probably just fly away because come on, dude...

A Wicked And Unbelieving People

Sometimes I am scared when I think about the times we live in. It seems this is a time where man no longer believes in anything. Look around you and you will see this lack of faith and rampant disbelief everywhere – even in the grocery store:

Well, I for one can believe it's not butter. Because if one does truely believe in butter, it is not difficult to recognise a false-butter.

I recently wrote an essay about my humble beliefs and National Public Radio liked it so much they even posted it on their website – you can read it HERE.

A Stupor Of Thought

A lot of people think that because I haven’t mentioned which women’s deodorant I prefer, that there is some religious reason I don’t want to talk about it. But they’ve got it all wrong!

It’s not sacred.

It’s Secret.

A New TV Series

I am developing a new TV show for KBYU about a guy who heard the gospel in this life, but his brother didn’t. So after they die, he tries to help his brother get into paradise. It’s called Spirit Prison Break.

The Little Mermaid Controversy

Did you ever hear about how when Disney first put out The Little Mermaid, there were a lot of people who were upset by one of the castle spires on the poster?

Yeah, look closely and see if you can see what people were so offended at…

Yep, that’s right. That spire looks exactly like the pipe organ on the cover of the LDS hymn book…
Anyway, after enough anti-Mormons complained about it, Disney eventually changed the poster.

You're Not Alone

Do you ever wonder if in Spirit Prison there are Spirit Prison gangs? And do you wonder if maybe they shank each other with some kind of spirit shivs? And do you wonder about if the spirit Latino gang would be more receptive to the gospel than the spirit Skinhead gang?

And while you are sitting in Sunday School wondering this, does the teacher ever ask you a question, but you weren't paying attention so you don't know what he's talking about?

If so, you are not alone.

(even though right now you're on your own)

A Stupor Of Thought

I know the scriptures teach us that we should avoid secret combinations, but at the same time I don't want everyone to know how to get into my locker.

The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants

So we all know that the Ya Ya Sisterhood is considered a secret combination and as such, is evil in the sight of the Lord.

So is the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants also a secret combination?

Because from what I understand, this sisterhood consists of a few different girls who are all different sizes - yet they all share the same pair of pants and the pants magically fit each girl perfectly. Now I've always heard that when it comes to "magic" that there are only two powers in this world: The power of God and the power of the devil.

So my question is, would God really use his power for such a thing? Especially when at least one of the girls is kind of slutty? And I'm pretty sure none of the girls went on missions.

Or do you think it is the power of the devil and he is using these magic pants to lead people astray like Amnihor of old?

This Is The Place: Fact vs Fiction

Many people think that when Brigham Young stood at the mouth of Emigration Canyon and announced "This Is The Place!" that he was referring to "the place where we can stop".

But what he really meant was "This is the place where the zoo should be. Just right there, across the street."

And he was right.

He was always right!

Moisture

FACT: There is historic flooding today in central Florida as tropical storm Fay moves further in land.

FACT: Somewhere in a ward building in central Florida this Sunday someone will pray: “We thank thee for the moisture”.

Puns Of Perdition

I think there should be a Mormon themed marine park. And I think it should be called Praise To The Manatee.

Every Worthy Young Man...

Should eat some breakfast here:

Puns Of Perdition

I think there should be a Mormon themed service station. And I think it should be called When You Are In The Service Of Your Fellow Beings, You Are Only In The Service Station.

My Favorite Bible Bad Guy

There's a lot of great bad guys in the scriptures. My favorite are those guys in the Old Testament who went around doing magic tricks and replicating God's Miracles.

My favorite of those guys is Amnihor the Farter...

He led many astray with his cunning "pull my finger" deception.

Zenos Chapter 4:

23 - And Rebohamom did reach forth and did pull the finger of Amnihor.

24- And the multitude did hear a sound like unto a trumpet and many of the Israelites did turn from the teachings of their fathers and did fall away in disbelief.

A Book Of Mormon Themed Restaurant

Puns Of Perdition

A Utah based coat store: Where Can I Turn For Fleece?

You're Not Alone

When you are watching conference and they say "177th semi-annual General Conference", do you ever get hungry because you think they are going to say "177th semi-annual General Tsao's Chicken"?

If so, you are not alone.

(even though right now you're on your own)

About Me

W. W. Phelps is my favorite LDS Hymn writer.

WWW.Phelps.com is the website of my favorite southern-states based law firm.

A Stupor Of Thought

I think I've had my calling and election made, but I'm not sure.

New Church Themed Biographical Fiction

It's not even funny.

Sometimes I don't know why I do some of the things I do.

Puns Of Perdition

I think a good name for a landscaping company in Utah would be The Tree Nephites.

Puns Of Perdition

Book Of Mormon themed spy movie: Abinidi Another Day

People That Don't Die

My Top 7 favorite people in the scriptures who will never taste death:

1. Nephite #2
2. Cain
3. John The Beloved
4. Nephite #1
5. Nephite #3
6. The Highlander
7. Edward The Vampire

On The Sad Character Of Bigfoot

Do you believe Bigfoot is Cain?

A prophet said it, so it must be, right? Actually I guess the prophet was quoting from a book by some guy that included a letter from another guy, but still... Do you believe Bigfoot is Cain?

And if so, do you believe the Hendersons sinned in inviting such a son of perdition into their house? Or were they just tricked by the cunning lies of Lucifer?

Also with all the time he has spent roaming the earth, watching us and listening to us, do you think that is how he had learned to imitate a police siren sound so perfectly? Heaven knows he's had enough time to practice. And do you think he has mastered mimicking other sounds? Do you think he can do more sounds than the black guy in the Police Academy movies?

And finally, do you think some people believe that Bigfoot is Kane the professional wrestler?

*and thanks Brother Brooks for the book scan.

Puns of Perdition

I think if they ever open a Mormon amusement park, the rollercoaster should be called Space Mountain Of The Lord.

My Favorite Church CDs

It's Caffeine Free Of Course

Puns of Perdition

If I was going to open a costume shop here in Utah, I would call it Mountain Meadows Masks

Puns Of Perdition

I have an idea for a soup restaurant here in Utah. It would be called Chowder Darkness and it would only serve really really hot soup.

Religious Not Regis!

This is a new blog where I plan to discuss matters of a religious nature. It is mostly just my musings and theories on Mormon teachings and culture. I would like to encourage you to give me your feedback and join in on the discussion.

But I guess I need to explain upfront that yes, I know that the HTML address says My Regis Blog. But that is a typo. It is supposed to say My Religious Blog. Unfortunately Blogger will not allow me to change the address, so that's what we have to work with. I know this is going to cause some confusion, so I just wanted to address this mistake now.

In order to further clarify...

This blog will deal with things RELIGIOUS:

This blog will most likely not deal with things REGIS:

(credit given to XianJaguar for the Lion Jesus picture)

(and credit given to Gelman for the Regis picture)