Friday, September 5, 2008

One Grand And Five Not-So-Grand Keys

1. When a messenger comes saying he has a message from God, offer him your hand and request him to shake hands with you. If he be an angel he will do so, and you will feel his hand.

2. However if he be an angel who is trying to be cool, he will offer to bump fists with you instead. If he does so, you must give him "bones" for it is considered impolite in the order of heaven to leave a true messenger hangin’.

3. If you put out your hand and ask him to “slap you some skin” and he does so, you will know he is a spirit of a just man and not the spirit of a jive turkey.

4. If you offer to give him five and he be the spirit of a just man made perfect, he will give you five in all his glory. But he will only give it to you “up high”. If you ask him to give it to you “down low”, he will not do so. For it is contrary to the order of heaven for a just man to tempt you to pull your hand away and say “too slow Joe”. For if you were to, you would surely earn yourself a place in hell.

5. If it be the devil as an angel of light, he will offer you his finger and ask you to pull it. If you pull his finger, you will not hear anything; you may therefore detect him.

6. If you try to give the messenger any other kind of greeting like bumping elbows, or a chest bump, or any other thing that high school football players do; and he be a true messenger from God, he will probably just fly away because come on, dude...

9 comments:

ssdd. Future: unknown said...

If the devil really could fart, think how stinky it would be. The whole world would pass out...Anyway, now I know what to expect if ever and angel offers his hand.

Glen Simmons-Staves said...

I think they ruled that chest bumping was inappropriate of any heavenly body to perform becuause of an issue a co-ed angel basball team had one time.

Robert Vollman said...

What if you offer a true angel your hand, only to withdraw it, fix your hair, and shout WOOOOOOOO!

(Basically I want to know if Ric Flair will be ok)

eped said...

psych! (syke?)

aw, snap!

Urban Koda said...

Freakin' Awesome!!!

Gatsby said...

Thanks.

And good one, Brother Vollman.

TJ said...

Brother Gatsby, I just discovered your regis blog and I think I'd like to be baptized.
Sister Dickerson

Gatsby said...

Wow Sister Dickerson, that's great. I always hoped one day this blog would be a missionary tool.

But I am humbled that it happened so quickly.

Anyway, welcome to the flock.

Brad said...

Sometimes, they just flash gang signs.