Friday, February 27, 2009

A New Service I Am Offering

You know that talk you are dreading having to give in sacrament meeting? You know that part of your calling you just can’t stand doing? You know how you feel like a jerk when month after month you report that you didn’t do your Home Teaching? When it comes to your church responsibilities, do you ever think to yourself “I wish I could just pay someone to _________”?

Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.

And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.

Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:

36 comments:

WhiteEyebrows said...

your home teaching rates are VERY attractive!

Untypically Jia said...

*dies laughing* Oh, I love the Cafe Rio gift certificate included in the fasting rate LOL!

katie said...

how much would you charge to find substitute teachers for RS? because that would awesome.

Lee said...

You are now as genius as you are sexy.

Jen said...

It would be SO NICE if something like that would actually work. It does remind me of the Catholic church way back when you could buy forgiveness. Bishops could make a fortune selling a clean conscience.....

What's your rate on doing all the scout stuff for my son... He has 3 weeks to complete the entire "wolf" book. :)

TJ said...

How much to teach nursery?
How much to get me released from nursery?

Gatsby said...

Sister Katie, I will just be your RS substitute.

Sister Jen, does he need help with a Pinewood Derby? I would do that for free.

And released from Nursury, Sister TJ? What? That's a pretty easy gig, you should be happy.

But I'll do for $22.22

Shannon said...

$22.22 per sin confessed? That could be a pretty sweet gig! Plus you get to know what people have done without that whole "confidentiality" thing bogging you down. Nice.

Brethart77 said...

I like the setup that Santa Clause has...a whole bunch of midget slaves. That's the life! Then they could crank out as many talks as you like...do your home teaching and even make hot cocoa for the releif society social.

Brethart77

Christy said...

How much for a dinner (casserole and non-casserole prices)? I assume we would have to pay your travel expenses, unless you would be willing to pay them yourself just to come and visit a wonderful and very colorful ward...

MG said...

Looks like you're trying to cheat the lord with your rounding errors. $7.77 really should be $7.78 if you want it to be a fulltithe.

Wifey said...

...And I will charge you 70% of your earnings for calendaring these commitments and for nagging you to actually do them!

thecapitall said...

Questions about the ward clerk counting fee. Is that a flat rate, no matter the size of the ward, or does the price fluctuate based on attendance? If, say, there were 150 people in attendance, would you charge $0.0518 per attendee counted? Would pranksters cost $0.0259 each? Or maybe $0.1036?

Julie said...

ROTFL!!! Thank you for that laugh I needed today!

My ward could definitely use you in the primary!!

Sarah said...

You're totally jipping yourself for taking kids out in the hall during sacrament. You need to add a per kick/scream surcharge.

Steve said...

Would you consider going to the store for me on Sunday. I need someone to go on an Apple Beer run for me occasionally while watching big sporting events.

kate and clint said...

now this one is genius!

Chrissy said...

so if you are giving my talk for me in Bellingham, Washington how much do you charge for travel expense?
Also do you teach YW classes?

Sally said...

What if I need a sub for 10 Sunbeams? What would the charge for that be? Don't undercharge. 10 little 3 year olds can be quite the handfull and will leave you completely exhausted so make sure it's worth your while.

TMBJ said...

This is one of your best blogs EVAH.

Gatsby said...

Hey, I'm glad you found it, Sister Johnson.

Bored in Provo said...

What would it take to get my son's Eagle Scout for him?

That would free a ton of my time.

Maelstrom said...

Got anything for just a straight $6.66?

Jim said...

For an additional fee could you make yourself look like the person for whom you would be speaking or subbing? I would be willing to pay more if the deed could be pulled off without people knowing.

Gatsby said...

You mean like on Big Mamma's House?

Sarah said...

Absolute Perfection!!!!

Love love love it

You made me cry, and in such a happy way.

There are a few that you will have to figure

Girls Camp/Trek
Activities Committee/Christmas Party
And there has got to be tipped for anything involving icky smells. So nursery and Deacons you need a 15% tip on your regular amount.

Gatsby said...

I was supposed to go to Trek with the kids once.

I had to find an excuse to get out of it.

In other words, no. You could not pay me to do that.

Sarah said...

Well know I have to think of other things we can't pay you to do

hum

Help The Elders Quorum move Brother and Sister so and so, who have 10 cats, 5 years worth of newspapers and it's 105 outside

Scout camp with 11 year olds that have a tendency to wander

Clean the nursing room and oops the other ward forgot to clean it for a month

take over as Bishop for the day when you have 2 funerals and the wedding of Jim Bob and Sue. Oh and Jim Bob's family are not members and own a liquor Store.

Fast Sunday, and church doesn't start until 4 pm.

Okay any takers?

lifeasme said...

fantastic!! i love the whole concept...if only!

ok heres the deal.....second thoughts no.....i'd just hand over the cash to your wife and grin widely...cos we all know your busted!!! LOL



have a great day!!!

Caty said...

Are you serious? Taking away Gospel responsibility and callings from other members because you want more money? .... ??

Gatsby said...

No. I am not serious. This is a joke blog.

Caty said...

Oh... okay.

pam said...

You and your wife brighten my days :) hilarious . . . brilliant and hilarious. . .

backandthen said...

How many languages do you speak?
I could pass your list around to members in my stake but although many speak English I think it would be nicer if you could speak french.

Moonery said...

I loved this blog, and I love your blogs even more when people think they are serious and get all concerned.

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog the other day. You crack me up. Keep up the good work.