My Religious Blog

You're Not Alone

2011-12-21T15:02:00.000-08:00

Do you ever think about how wonderful it would be if we lived every day of the year like it was Christmas, rather than just once every December?

And did you especially feel that way about Sundays when you found out that church was only going to be one hour this week?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now you are on your own)

Likening The Scriptures Unto J. Lo

2011-11-08T07:21:00.000-08:00

I just want to clear up some confusion I've been seeing around a lot lately. In the pictures below, the top image is Jenny From The Block - not to be confused with the bottom image of King Noah From The Block...

Though I can definitely see how you would get them confused.

Especially since Marc Anthony is arguably our generation's Abinidi.

(Feel free to print out the above reference material to share with your primary class and/or Home Teaching families)

Good Books

2011-10-31T13:43:00.000-07:00

Monsters & Mormons is an anthology of Science Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, Alternate History, Action, and Steampunk, all by Mormon writers putting their own twist on our peculiar culture. (That sentence was written by my friend David J. West who has a story in the book). I have 5 illustrations in the book. You should buy it HERE. I have read some of the stories and they're awesome and I would like to hope my art is also somewhat exceptional.

Also there's this other book that I designed the cover for called Between Pulpit And Pew: The Supernatural World in Mormon History and Folklore, with great essays about some of our folklore stories about Bigfoot, and the Bear Lake Monster, and UFO stuff in our history. Buy that one HERE.

No Mormon library (or life, really) is complete without them.

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Mormon Laffy Taffy

2011-10-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

Which is basically the same thing as regular Laffy Taffy, but the Halloween-themed jokes that are not only funny, they also help you feel the spirit. Jokes like...

What is a ghosts' favorite book of scripture?
- The Boo! k of Mormon.

What tribe did the lycanthrope's patriarchal blessing say he was from?
- Wolf-Manassa.

What is the living corpse's favorite teaching from the New Testament?
- The Zom-beattitudes.

Where did the goblin get his endowments taken out?
- The Orc Mountain Temple.

What is the vampire's least favorite church meeting?
- Stake Conference.

What is Brother Matsby's least favorite church meeting?
- Also Stake Conference.

Seriously, what is up with Stake Conference?
- I don't know.

They're like delicious pass along cards!

A Pre-General Conference Message

2011-09-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

A fine member of the Church was talking with a neighbor who was not of our faith. When the topic of discussion turned to My Religious Blog, the neighbor asked, “You say that there's some guy in your church with a website who makes stupid general conference lolcats?”

“Absolutely,” the member replied with confidence.

The neighbor thought about that for a moment. He seemed genuinely interested and then asked, “What did the lolcat say on that blog for the last general conference?”

At this point the good member of the Church explained that the cat had warned about the evils of pernogrify and then Slash drove his car off a cliff with his girlfriend inside.

His friend found this troubling and asked, “You mean to tell me that the legendary guitar player for the band Guns and Roses drove himself and his girlfriend off a cliff?”

The brother replied "no my friend, Slash jumped out justen times."

Then later the member decided to join the church and he had the Mormon dude baptize him. Then when they died they both went to the Celestial Kingdom. But there was another neighbor who was also Mormon who didn't read My Religious blog and that guy ended up embezzling a lot of money from his company and he was kind of a jerk to his family then when he died, let's just say he didn't get to be neighbors with those other guys anymore.

I think we all could learn a lot from this story.

Amen.

Old School Of The Prophets

2011-09-03T18:57:00.001-07:00

My patriarchal blessing is so old school that is says I am from the Tribe Called Quest.

Woe Unto The Liar

2011-08-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

Remember, if you click the box saying you read and agree to the terms and conditions on the new version of iTunes but you didn't really read it, then you can in no way claim to be honest in your dealings with your fellow men. So you will then have to wait a couple weeks until the next update to get your temple recommend.

It's Been Getting Pretty Hot In Utah Lately

2011-06-29T10:42:00.000-07:00

And when that happens, there's only one place to go...

Nothing beats the desert heat of Deseret like a frosty dessert!

The Best Two Years

2011-05-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

A lot of people refer to their missions as the best two years of their life, but I like to go one step further and refer to every other time as the worst 30 years of my life.

Possible Lyric Johnny Cash Might Sing During The Millennium

2011-05-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

"I shot a man in Reno just to watch him change in the twinkling of an eye."

It's Not Post Secret, It's Post Sacred

2011-05-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

Puns Of Perdition

2011-04-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

I am currently developing a new procedural drama for KBYU about a team of seminary teachers in Florida that solve murders after class. It’s called CES: Miami.

Just to give you a little sneak peak of what’s in store… at the beginning of each episode, one of the seminary teachers will always show up at the crime scene and while removing his sun glasses, he’ll deliver a smooth, gospel-inspired, one-liner. Here are some examples of what I mean...

“Looks like the truth must have (removes sunglasses) cutteth him to his center!”
“I guess she hoped to (removes sunglasses) endure all things!”
“Looks like his soul (removes sunglasses) hungered!”
“I guess this companionship (removes sunglasses) went on splits!”
“Looks like she put her shoulder (removes sunglasses) to the wheel!”

Also as a back up, there’s also another procedural show I’m working on called Letter Of The Law And Order In The Kingdom.

But that one obviously needs some more work.

Rome Temple

2011-04-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

They just released a picture of the new Rome Temple and I for one am getting very excited!

In fact I might even be more excited for that temple than I am for the Deadwood South Dakota Temple or the Hamsterdam Maryland Temple.

LOL Cats General Conference

2011-03-29T12:13:00.001-07:00

The Bea (Arthur) Attitudes

2011-02-28T09:22:00.000-08:00

Blessed are the outspoken, middle-aged, liberal New Yorkers, for they shall ultimately be appointed to congress and move to Washington D.C.

Blessed are the sarcastic divorcees who share a house in Miami with their mother and two other older ladies, for they shall often get to share cheesecake together while swapping stories around the kitchen table.

Product Placement In The Book Of Mormon

2011-02-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

And I Mormon did begin the unlock the secrets of Fushigi, yea, even the magic gravity ball.

And verily my friend who was behind me did behold the wonders of the ball and he did speak unto me, saying “dude, that is so awesome!”

See larger version HERE.

Translation Error

2011-02-14T12:03:00.000-08:00

For years I was positive that when I was younger I had witnessed a really righteous old man get translated right before my eyes.

But more recently when I think back on that experience, I wonder if maybe it actually had something to do with the tornado we were running from at the time.

Articles Of Faith

2011-02-04T11:33:00.001-08:00

In case you're interested, there's an article about me and this blog on the Salt Lake Tribune website today. And it will also be in the Faith section of the actual printed paper tomorrow. Feel free to clip it and base your next sacrament talk on it.

UPDATE:

Here are two more articles you can use in your talk...

March 2011 Sunstone
Salt Lake City Weekly: Best of Utah Award

Join The Revelation!

2011-01-15T09:32:00.000-08:00

If you like My Religious Blog then you may also like the official My Religious Blog page on Facebook.

I Am A FULL Tithe Payer

2010-12-09T06:59:00.000-08:00

This year instead of signing up for tithing settlement, I am just giving my bishop a link to this post.

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out The New Church Pamphlet

2010-10-29T08:53:00.000-07:00

"We solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man who has a pet lion and a woman who can light candles with her fingertips is altogether ooky."

Friday Is A Special Day

2010-10-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's the day we procrastinate getting ready for Sunday.

Stupor Of Thought

2010-10-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

The scriptures seem to place a lot of importance on mercy and being merciful. Which I guess is why I am not surprised that we don't have more Cobra Kais joining the church.

Five Righteous Party Games

2010-10-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

In General Conference today, parents were advised to be careful when it comes to allowing our children to have sleepovers. That is because many of the games that are played at sleepovers do not meet standards we expect from our young people - but these unworthy games are not the only options for sleepover fun. The following are a few examples of the kind of party games we do not want our youth to participate in and alternative party games that do meet our values…

BAD PARTY GAME: Spin The Bottle
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Spin The Bible

BAD PARTY GAME: Truth Or Dare
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Truth Restored Or Dare

BAD PARTY GAME: Seven Minutes In Heaven
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Forty Years In The Wilderness

BAD PARTY GAME: Bloody Mary
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Bloody Mary Ellen W. Smoot

BAD PARTY GAME: Putting a kid’s hand in water to make him pee the bed.
RIGHTEOUS ALTERNATIVE: Immersing a kid’s entire body in water to save his soul.

Now Available In The Alley Behind The Deseret Book...

2010-09-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

"I'm a thug, a bully, a street fighter...and I'm a Mormon!"

Johnny's Lingo

2010-07-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

Whenever I attend church services in Hawaii and get up to bare my testimony, I always say hello in English and then insist that the congregation keeps quiet and doesn't respond before I continue.

Stupor Of Thought

2010-06-28T21:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think all of those actions actually detract from the true spirit of Head Shoulder Knees and Toes.

Puns Of Perdition

2010-06-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

I am writing a musical about a boxer who joins the church. Right now the working title is Master The Tempest is Raging Bull.

Other possible titles include Praise to the Cinderella Man, Rocky of Ages, and The Great White Hope of Israel.

Spirit World Cup

2010-06-15T15:42:00.000-07:00

Let God and Heaven be your GOOOAAAAL!

Family

2010-05-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

It's about... TIME

And if your kids are anything like mine, I would say thirty mintes a day is about... PLENTY.

Unhappy Mother's Day!

2010-05-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

At church today they were supposed to have a special Mother's Day program, but I guess the primary president had misunderstood because instead they had a special Mother's Day pogrom.

It was horrible.

Seriously, one of the worst days in church ever!

(not counting Stake Conference of course)

Facimile From The Book Of Waldo

2010-05-05T14:05:00.000-07:00

Some things were a lot easier back then.

My Favorite Angels

2010-04-24T22:35:00.000-07:00

I know we’re not supposed to pick favorites among the heavenly hosts, but here are my top ten anyway…

1. Moroni
2. Michael
3. Gabriel
4. The one who wrestled Jacob
5. The one from Rent
6. The one from Buffy
7. The one from Led Zeppelin t-shirts
8. Michael Landon
9. Joel Pineiro
10. Warren Worthington III

General Conference Statistical Report

2010-04-03T09:33:00.000-07:00

My favorite part of the spring general conference is hearing the church statistical report during the Saturday afternoon session. And it was so exciting to hear them this year from the new general authority...

2,865 stakes! Ah ah ah

344 missions! Ah ah ah

28,106 baptisms! Ah ah ah

130 temples! Ah ah ah

Hallelujah!

2010-03-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

My top five favorite hymns that say "hallelujah" or "alleluia"...

1. For All The Saints
2. Battle Hymn of The Republic
3. Christ the Lord is Ris'n Today
4. All Creatures of Our God and King
5. It’s Raining Men

I Just Got My Refund!

2010-03-03T17:33:00.000-08:00

I just got my tithing refund check today. It was pretty big this year because at tithing settlement I was able to claim all of the readers of this blog as spiritual dependents. Also it was a good thing I had saved all my receipts from last year, because I was able to write off all the times I gave money to homeless people.

Remember you only have until April 6th to file, so if you haven't yet, you'd better hurry and do so.

Clarification

2010-01-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

The natural man is an enemy to God. (Mosiah 3:19)

The Nature Boy is an enemy to Shawn Michaels. (WrestleMania XXIV)

The Chapel Doors Seem To Say To Me "Shhhhh! Be Still"

2009-12-20T13:41:00.000-08:00

Someone really should put some WD40 on them or something, because it's kind of distracting.

Also I think it's time to refill my Risperidone prescription.

You're Not Alone

2009-11-29T13:55:00.000-08:00

When you're in church and you hear this hymn:

Does it ever make you think of these people?

And then when you finally do start going back to church six months later, do you find that you still have a hard time forgiving the ward chorister?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now, you're on your own)

A Stupor Of Thought

2009-11-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

I just finished writing a 50 page doctrinal essay on Ecclesiastes 5:3.

Bathe Precedes The Miracle

2009-11-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

This morning my bath soap appeared to me in the form of Dove.

This Year For Halloween, We're Giving Out Object Lessons

2009-10-27T18:56:00.000-07:00

As you know, we don’t generally celebrate Halloween in my house. But this year I had an idea about something we could do as a family that would allow my kids to experience the fun of dressing up but would also allow us an opportunity to share our beliefs with others.

So this year, we are all going to dress up in Liahona costumes…
Then we are going to stand outside on the street and when people come around who are wearing modest and family-oriented costumes, we will point them in the direction of the houses they should go to in order to get the nice big candy bars.

But if a person’s costume is too scary or too slutty, and they ask which direction to go in, we will just shrug our shoulders and not say anything until they go home and change.

Puns Of Perdition

2009-10-22T19:12:00.000-07:00

I have an idea for a candy bar that would not only be chewy and delicious, but it would also help you to remember to keep the commandments. It’s called Charleston Chews The Right.

But that name is also very similar to the working title of a 1920s-inspired dance I am developing that would also help you remember to keep the commandments.

A Stupor Of Thought

2009-10-19T17:59:00.000-07:00

I have to give a talk next week in Sacrament Meeting about self reliance. But I'm not too stressed out about it because my wife is actually writing it for me.

Puns Of Perdition

2009-10-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

If I was going to make a Mormon-themed breakfast cereal, it would be called Thomas B. Marshmallow Mateys.

And it would be especially good with full cream milk.

Baptists At Our BBQ

2009-09-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

I thought it was a good idea to invite some Baptists to our barbeque last weekend. But that was before they showed up with their signs and started yelling at us for putting cheese on our burgers and about how the mustard we were using is different than the mustard they use.

Seriously, I’m never inviting those guys again.

Stupor Of Thought

2009-09-23T07:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve noticed that there’s not a lot of rappers who are writing raps about the tone and feeling of sacrament meetings.

I think it’s probably because they are having a hard time finding words that rhyme with “reverence” and "obeisance" and "worshipful".

I know that's where I keep getting stuck.

Mormon Memorabilia

2009-09-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

The most valuable card in my collection.

When Speaking In Sacrament

2009-09-05T10:12:00.000-07:00

It's important when speaking from the pulpit in church, to remember that not every person in attendance may have read or be familiar with all of the stories found in the scriptures. So if you are planning to read or explain a story from any of the standard works, it is probably best to warn the congregation beforehand that your talk/lesson/testimony will include spoilers.

I have found that something along the lines of "brothers and sisters... SPOILER ALERT!..." has usually worked well for me in the past.

Unless of course you'd prefer to be like that sister who spoke last Sunday who totally spoiled the end of the Noah story for me.

Because seriously. Thanks a lot, lady!

You're Not Alone

2009-08-12T20:19:00.000-07:00

When you're watching conference and they say that the next speaker is going to be Dallin H. Oaks, do you ever misunderstand and think they said Hall & H. Oates? And then do you have a hard time paying attention during the hymn because you are picturing the next talk looking something like this...

And then when the hymn ends and the speaker does get up, are you ever just a little disappointed?

If so, you're not alone.

(even though right now, you're on your own)

Clarification

2009-08-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

I am white.

But I'm not delightsome.

Mormon Wrestling

2009-08-06T22:08:00.001-07:00

My favorite Mormon wrestler is the Ultimate Saturday's Warrior.

Plain And Precious Truths

2009-07-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

The scriptures teach that over time, many of the plain and precious truths were lost from the Bible (see 1Nephi:13). But luckily, modern day revelation has restored many of those lost scriptures - like Jeremiah’s prophecy about the Pogo Ball…

14. I saw a flat pedestal with two large round stones affixed to either side.

15. Upon this pedestal I did see a fifth grader who was using it to jump up and down.

16. And it came to pass that that kid did not have any friends. Yea verily, he was known in the land as kind of a dingleberry.

(that’s a scripture I found particularly easy to liken unto myself when I was a youth)

A New TV Series

2009-07-19T23:06:00.000-07:00

If you have always wanted programming that would seamlessly combine the faith and sacrifice of the early saints as they crossed the plains with the fast paced action of martial arts and Western justice, then you’re gonna love the new TV show I am developing for KBYU called Pioneer Children Sang As They Walker Texas Ranger.

Classic Mormon Vaudeville Routine

2009-07-14T17:27:00.000-07:00

Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Costello: That's what I’m asking you.
Elder Abbott: Well I just told you.
Elder Costello: You just told me what?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Costello: Well then, Who is On The Lord’s Side Who?
Elder Abbott: Naturally.
Elder Costello: Just tell me Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who.
Elder Abbott: That’s right.
Elder Costello: What’s right?
Elder Abbott: Who’s On The Lord’s Side Who!
Elder Costello: THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW!!!

(General Conference was a lot funnier back in those days)

If I Could Hie To Kolob, I Would Choose Not To

2009-07-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

The gospel teaches that we are supposed to live in the world but not of the world. Which is why I have chosen not to pursue a career as an astronaut.

Because even though astronauts don't have to move to outer space permanently, I would still want to at least avoid the appearance of evil.

Hosanna Shouting / Righteous Anger

2009-06-30T20:01:00.000-07:00

No Priesthood holder should ever raise his voice and shout at his wife or children. Unless of course, it's a Hosanna Shout.

I Hosanna Shout at my family all the time.

It's a good way to let them know you mean business - and yet still set an example.

The Book Of Abraham Facsimiles

2009-06-27T15:55:00.000-07:00

The Book of Abraham facsimiles found in the Pearl of Great Price are probably the one thing most responsible for my testimony today. Because did you know that those facsimiles were released in 1835?

That is over one hundred years before the fax machine was even invented!

That’s right Antis, read it and weep!!!!

Teaching: No Greater Call

2009-06-22T20:41:00.000-07:00

I know, I know...

But there is way too much politics in the CTR 6 program!

You're Not Alone

2009-06-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone to someone’s house and they have a sign at the door that says “Take off your shoes”, but you thought it said “dust off your shoes”? So then you obliged them and inadvertently did so as a testimony against them?

And then when you realized your mistake, did you bring them a plate of cookies the next day – even though you know that’s not going to mean much when the judgement is upon them?

If so, you’re not alone.

(even though right now you’re on your own)

Thank Thee For The Moisture

2009-06-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

Can you believe how much moisture we've been receiving lately here in Utah? It was pouring down so much moisture this morning that it reminded me of what it must have been like back in Noah's time, when it was moist for 40 days and 40 nights.

And not only that, but we even had the humidifier on in the house last night. Not to mention the fact that I put on some lotion after taking a shower today.

So so - so much moisture to be thankful for.

Moisture!

LDSploitation

2009-06-01T22:40:00.000-07:00

After the success of the Mormon video game I told you about last week, it looks like all the other gaming companies are jumping on the bandwagon and putting out their own new games geared towards a Mormon audience...

A Stupor Of Thought

2009-05-29T08:10:00.000-07:00

I know that looking at pictures of immodest women on the internet is against the Law Of Chastity, but in the case that one is looking at pictures of Tila Tequila, is that also against the Word Of Wisdom?

Mormon Video Game

2009-05-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

The first video game to be based on church history...

And if you know the code, you can even play the game as Moses...

Praydar

2009-05-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

I can tell a man who prays just by looking at him.

(especially if he is praying when I look at him)

New Autobiography

2009-05-13T07:53:00.001-07:00

Look, I don't mind hearing his music now and then on the radio, but I cannot read a Seal book!

Pranks At Church

2009-05-10T16:49:00.001-07:00

One time I was on an airplane and the old man sitting next to me started telling me about the church, but because I was raised in the church and already knew what he was talking about, I decided to mess with him a little.

So I told him my name was Mick Jagger and that I wrote sinister rock and roll music with the sole intent of encouraging young people to fornicate.

Oh man, you should have seen that old guy's face!

Sale This Week

2009-05-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

You normally pay as much as ten or twelve dollars for a box this size, but right now they're on sale for only a birthright.

And that's a great deal!

(and thus Matsby despised his birthright)

Retraction

2009-04-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

So the Bishopric came by the house last night to visit me. And this is kind of embarrassing, but... um... I guess I misunderstood that whole thing about having my calling and election made sure.

Anyway, I guess I am also going to have to apologize to all the ward members I called "suckers" Sunday as I was jumping up and down running out of Sacrament Meeting on my way to IHOP.

And I guess I owe that girl at IHOP a tip after all.

A Church Story

2009-04-27T13:19:00.001-07:00

So yesterday something kind of interesting happened in Sacrament Meeting…

I had my calling and election made sure.

Oh and then guess what happened during Elders Quorum?

Just kidding! Why would I go to Elders Quorum? I just had my CALLING. AND. ELECTION. MADE. SURE!!!!

Blessing Arithmetic

2009-04-24T10:02:00.001-07:00

Last night I decided to count my blessings and I ended up with 52.

But I forgot to name them one by one as I was doing it, so I may have counted some of them more than once.

Puns Of Perdition

2009-04-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

Whenever I make breaded boneless chicken strips, I try to use them as an opportunity to share the gospel, so I call them Chicken Tender Mercies and I tell people that the secret ingredient is faith.

Even though it's really cornmeal.

New Drink

2009-04-15T11:35:00.000-07:00

New Name

2009-04-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give you all a heads-up, so you’re not completely confused when it happens: I have decided to change my on-line name from Gatsby to Matsby.

Now I understand it’s going to be strange since you are used to calling me Gatsby – just like I imagine it was strange at first for the people who followed Abram's papyrus blog when he changed his user name to Abraham.

But you’ll get use to it and I believe that we may even end up better off in the end because of it.

Your friend in the Schroedernacle,

Brother Matsby (former DL)

The Late Morning Of The First Resurrection

2009-04-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

I hope to be resurrected in the Morning of the First Resurrection.

But I hope it's later in the morning.

Because I'm really more of a night person.

The Revelation Will Be Televised

2009-04-02T07:04:00.000-07:00

It’s General Conference time again and they’re calling another new apostle. And I’ve been getting kind of nervous because I get the feeling it might be me.

In case it is, I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of apostle name I should use…

Do you think I should go by first initial – middle name – last name (like N. Eldon Tanner)?

Or first name – middle initial – last name (like Bruce R McConkie)?

Or try something totally new and do first initial - middle initial – lastname?

Or is that against church policy?

Is that why H.R. Puffinstuff was never called to be a G.A.???

Ugh… I’m so nervous I can’t even concentrate!

Matching Set

2009-03-30T08:48:00.000-07:00

Because there's nothing more annoying than when your wife uses your hymn book.

Seeking Riches

2009-03-21T12:50:00.000-07:00

The scriptures teach that you are not supposed to seek after riches – but instead, you should seek after the kingdom of heaven and then the riches will follow. Which is why recently I have been going to all my meetings and trying to be as humble and charitable as I can.

In fact, my faith is so strong in this holy promise that I have already started planning all the ATVs and jet skies I am going to buy when the cash finally does start to flow.

Not to mention all of the enemies whom I will destroy with that money and influence.

My Kid Helped Me Write Today's Post

2009-03-16T09:50:00.001-07:00

Actual notes taken by my five year old in church yesterday...

Which teaches a very important lesson:

No matter what your age (five, twenty five, even forty five), we are all thinking about the same thing when there are guest speakers from the stake.

Jack Of All Hymns

2009-03-10T08:35:00.000-07:00

Most people know all the words to a few select hymns. But I know the first line of many different hymns.

Puns of Perdition

2009-03-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

I think a good advertising mascot for a Mormon bakery would be a cartoon character named Bruce R. McCookie.

And even though he said some things about the brownies that he claimed were doctrine, that we found out later were just his own speculation, well…

That doesn’t make him any less delicious!

A New Service I Am Offering

2009-02-27T08:34:00.000-08:00

You know that talk you are dreading having to give in sacrament meeting? You know that part of your calling you just can’t stand doing? You know how you feel like a jerk when month after month you report that you didn’t do your Home Teaching? When it comes to your church responsibilities, do you ever think to yourself “I wish I could just pay someone to _________”?

Well, I have had an idea. Partially fueled by my love of the church and partially fueled by my desperation for income… I will do it for you. For example, you don’t want to write your upcoming talk? I will write it for you. And I will only charge you $27.77. Or if you want it to be a funny talk, the price is $33.33.

And that is another idea I had. Instead of charging $25 and $30 for the writing and then paying tithing and ending up with a pocket full of change, I am adjusting the prices to help me calculate out my tithing and still keep a nice round number of dollar bills in my pocket.

Click the picture below to download a full menu of the services offered:

A Parable

2009-02-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

Do you like parables? I like parables. I don’t always remember all of the details of the story - which is fine because often when we hear parables in talks they are different each time anyway. As long as we remember the lessons being taught, which is really the point of the parable after all, isn’t it? So anyway today I thought I would share with you one of my favorite parables in case you want to print it out and share it in sacrament meeting:

One time there was a guy in the mountains. Or maybe it was a young man. Like an Indian kid or maybe it was a lady. Anyway, they were outside and in a rural setting. Maybe in a mountain or by a river. Or was it at a park in the city?

The point is she was outside and heard a little voice say “hello” and he looked around and saw lizard – or it could have been a snake. Or a rat. But either way, it had developed human speech and learned a rudimentary form of English. And it said “pick me up” and the Indian boy was like “no, you are a rattle snake. You will bite me if I pick you up” Or maybe it was a scorpion and the kid said, “you will sting me…” Or maybe it was an eradiated rock.

But the rat was like “no, I won’t. I am a nice scorpion, now give me a kiss and I will grant you three wishes” and the girl didn’t want to, but the lizard convinced her to eventually, so the man put it in his pocket and carried it down the rocky cliff and when he got to the bottom of the cave, she took the sharp toothed marsupial out of her knapsack and it immediately sunk its teeth into her fleshy calf muscles.

So the old lady looks down at the badger and says “you said you weren’t going to shoot me.” And the magic rock says “look Poindexter, you knew what I was when you picked me up” And the boy was like “well what about my three wishes?” and the rat said “nah. I changed my mind about that” and then it slithered off and left Brer Bear to bleed to death.

The moral of this story is that sometimes sin can feel good - in fact depending on what sin we are talking about, sometimes it can feel REALLY good. But in the end, you will go to hell if you are nice to the little jungle creatures.

Also I think the boy’s last words were “it mattered to that one” because the poison had reached his brain and he had become delusional.

A Movie Pitch

2009-02-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

God's Army 3: The Curious Case of Elder Button

About a missionary who starts his mission as a well-seasoned and experienced A.P., but leaves the mission as a greenie.

Give me a call, Dutcher!

The Curious Case Of Infant Baptism

2009-02-16T10:36:00.000-08:00

I know that unlike some religions, the Mormon church does not believe in infant baptism.

But I am confused about when Benjamin Button should be baptized. Since he was born old, would it be okay to baptize him when he was a baby? Or do you need to wait until he is 8 years old? Because that could be almost 80 years from now!

I asked my bishop, but he acted all weird, like I shouldn’t worry about it because it’s such an isolated case. But it’s not that isolated! Because remember when Mork and Mindy had a baby? He was also born old and got young (which from what I understand is the case with all Orkins).

So I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to write church headquarters for an answer.

Pranks At Church

2009-02-12T12:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes pranks at church can be funny.

Like one time in my old ward, I started messing around with my Ward Clerk and one week I paid my month’s tithing in pennies.

So then each week, when he was going around counting people during sacrament meeting, when he got to me, he would start counting audibly and was like "eighty, eighty one, eighty two, (points at me) eighty two and A HALF..."

So then one week I changed the program so instead of saying he was the ward clerk, it said he was the ward jerk.

So then one week he transferred my records to some ward in Idaho.

So the next week I put a whoopee cushion on his chair in Elder’s Quorum.

But then the next week we found out he had been stealing the ward’s tithing money and he was probably going to get excommunicated.

I didn’t quite get that last one, but it just goes to show that sometimes pranks at church can go too far.

Puns Of Perdition

2009-02-10T09:35:00.000-08:00

I am writing a movie about a werewolf who joins the church after reading the Book of Mormon.

It's called Lycan The Scriptures.

Putting The "RAD" In Traditional Values

2009-01-29T11:52:00.000-08:00

Have you heard about the church’s new youth initiative called A Brand New Year? It is basically a rebranding of the existing youth program with a different (“fresh”) approach at connecting with the youth.

Now I appreciate the leadership’s willingness to try something new and reach out to our young men and women in a new way, but I do think their rebranding of Moroni’s image just feels like they are trying a little too hard…

On the other hand, he does look pretty awesome.

Deep Doctrine

2009-01-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

The scriptures teach that there are many different worlds out there that are populated by our spirit brothers and sisters. So when I hear people argue about if there is or isn’t life in outer space, I have to laugh. Because we know that there is.

But that doesn't mean we believe that aliens are little green men, like you see on TV, who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

No, we know that they are human beings who look just like you and me (also created in His image) who fly around on hover boots shooting laser guns at giant lizard creatures.

Stories From My Mission (part five)

2009-01-26T10:07:00.000-08:00

One time my companion and I met this kid in the park who was always drawing pictures of people in his sketchbook. He explained to us that he didn’t draw people the way they are, but the tried to draw them the way they “could be”.

Which I think was just an excuse for being a bad artist.

Either that or he actually thinks I “could be” a guy with a lopsided face and an eye on my cheek.

The Epistle Of Simon To James

2009-01-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite scriptures is found in the epistle that Simon wrote to James:

"Thou art guilty of vanity. Yea insomuch that ye believeth in thine heart that this scripture pertaineth unto you."

- Simon 19:72

Ideal Meeting Time

2009-01-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

Some people think the best meeting block is from 9:00 – 12:00 because they like to take a nap after church.

Other people think the best meeting block is from 11:00 – 2:00 because they like to sleep in on Sunday morning.

But I think the ideal meeting time would be 11:30 – 12:00 because seriously…

Church Policy

2009-01-15T15:01:00.000-08:00

I agree with the church's policy about not allowing props during sacrament meeting talks. But the thing is, if a ventriloquist dummy is going to be considered a "prop", then I think they need to make that clear when they extend the call in the first place.

Because my talk last Sunday didn't make any sense without the help of Brother Woodrow P. Woodruff.

For Further Reading...

2009-01-15T14:58:00.001-08:00

If you would like to learn more about the Atonement, the Topical Guide is a good place to start.

And if you would like to learn more about black and pink emo pants, the Hot Topical Guide is a also helpful.

A Stupor Of Thought

2009-01-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

Remember when those guys built the Tower of Babel and they all had their languages changed so they all had to speak a different language?

If that ever happens again, I hope I am the lucky one who gets to keep English as my language. Because I didn’t do very well in my Junior High Spanish class.

Plus all my DVDs and comicbooks are in English.

Biblical Pranks

2009-01-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about what it would have been like to have lived back in the days of the Tower of Babel, when the Lord got mad and made everyone speak different languages.

And I was thinking how if I was friends with the brother of Jared and I was one of the people who did not have my language confounded, every morning when I got up and he said good morning to me, I would pretend I was speaking a different language.

Like one morning I would say something like “Buenos dias, hombre. ¿Como esta?” and the next morning I would say “Gutten tag, mien freund”.

And each time, he would be scared and think I had had my language confounded, but then I’d be all “nah man, I’m just goofing with ya.”

And that’s just an example of how my good humor would help to make the journey to the city of Moriancumer just a little more enjoyable for everybody who had to share a barge with me.

I Can’t Wait To Live The Law Of Consecration

2009-01-06T13:35:00.000-08:00

Because then if I’m thirsty and I go to get a Slurpee and the guy at the counter is saying I need to give him $1.35 or whatever, I can just say “Hey! Law of consecration, remember?” and he’ll just let me have it without having to pay.

And then I’ll be able to use that money for some of that new Millennium flavored Laffy Taffy.

Saints And MMORPG Soldiers

2009-01-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

The other day I was soloing on World of Warcraft when I ran into this Tauren Hunter in the woods just south of Ironforge. Near the end of the duel, as I found myself frozen in place by his ice trap, just one hit away from him killing me, he stopped. He stopped because he realized it was me - the missionary who had taught and baptized him all those years ago (years before World of Warcraft even existed).

So even though we were on two different sides (I was using my Draenei Warrior), we had a bond that was so strong that we just couldn’t bring ourselves to do what we were supposed to do. So instead of fighting, our avatars embraced and he ended up letting me go.

When I thanked him for saving my life that day, he insisted that in fact I had saved his life ten years ago when my companion and I knocked on his door and shared the gospel with his family.

So I guess we were even – which was good because then a couple days later I ran into him again while I was logged in with my Dwarf Rogue. And that time, I didn’t let him know it was me because I really needed to kill his Tauren for the honor points.

Biblical Pranks

2009-01-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

If I lived back in the Biblical days, I would have changed my name to Begat. And then I would have named my kid Begat and encouraged him to name his kid Begat. So that when the guys who write the Brass Plates were writing out my lineage, they would have to write something like:

“And Bob begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat. And Begat begat Begat”

Then every time people read the scriptures, they would remember me as the guy who was always messing with the guys who wrote the brass plates.

10 People Who Have Joined The Church After They Died

2008-12-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

Although it is impossible to know for sure, it is generally accepted among the saints that these people, after having missed the opportunity to join the church in this life, have done so in the spirit world.

1. Christopher Columbus
2. Martin Luther
3. Thomas Jefferson
4. George Washington
5. The guy that said he can’t read a sealed book
6. C.S. Lewis
7. Mother Theresa
8. Pac
9. Aaliyah
10. Ricky Schroeder